IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Personal
information
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 being asked by employers from
job
Use synonyms
 applicants. There are differences in opinion
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 aspect. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
such
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 is essential and others say irrelevant. I believe that these kinds of
details
Use synonyms
 are
essential
Add an article
an essential
show examples
 part of human resources management in most of the organization. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain both pros and
corns
Correct your spelling
cons
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 statement with examples.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
firstly
Linking Words
,
information
Use synonyms
obtains
Wrong verb form
obtained
show examples
 from
interviewer
Correct article usage
the interviewer
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 meaningful for most of the corporate world. In
modern
Add an article
a modern
the modern
show examples
 business environment,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of organizations are involved in updating their database
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 future reference. To cite an example, with
surge
Add an article
the surge
a surge
show examples
 in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of employees
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
 to support business projects, there are huge
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
show examples
of advance
Change preposition
for advanced
show examples
 database for maintaining
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
details
Use synonyms
 of each
employees
Change to a singular noun
employee
show examples
 so that
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 can extract
details
Use synonyms
 of their resources in
efficient
Change the article
an efficient
show examples
 manner.
Secondly
Linking Words
, most organizations are
Use synonyms
people centric
Add a hyphen
people-centric
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
 they require individual
details
Use synonyms
 of
job
Use synonyms
 seekers so that they can keep in touch with employees in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 run and create strong
connects
Replace the word
connections
show examples
 among team structure.
Therefore
Linking Words
, personal
information
Use synonyms
 is necessary to obtain from
job
Use synonyms
 applicants. Even though
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there are innumerable benefits to
obtain
Wrong verb form
obtaining
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personalized
information
Use synonyms
 from
job
Use synonyms
 seekers,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that obtaining
these
Change the determiner
this information
show examples
information
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not
update
Wrong verb form
updated
show examples
 to the mark. Resources usually join companies to
outperforming
Wrong verb form
outperform
show examples
 their work. They require
skill
Correct article usage
a skill
show examples
 set to perform their jobs
therefore
Linking Words
 it's not necessary to enquire about their specific hobbies,
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 and family
details
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, some new joiners may not feel comfortable
to share
Change the verb form
sharing
show examples
 their individual
details
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 anyone
therefore
Linking Words
 they may be reluctant to share
these generalized
Change the determiner
this generalized information
show examples
information
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is recommended
for
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 companies
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
obtain
these
Change the determiner
this information
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 as per
individual
Correct article usage
the individual
show examples
 choices of
people
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, seeking specific
details
Use synonyms
 from
job
Use synonyms
 seekers are essential aspect
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
companies
Change noun form
companies'
company's
show examples
 practice as they are looking for more
details
Use synonyms
 from individuals for their database.
However
Linking Words
, too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 personal
details
Use synonyms
 are not required as applicants may not feel comfortable with
this
Linking Words
 approach.
Therefore
Linking Words
, careful consideration is essential
while
Linking Words
 obtaining
such
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 from individuals.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use cohesive devices to make transitions between ideas smoother, and ensure logical sequencing of points throughout. While your essay does showcase this to an extent, improvements can be made for better clarity.
task achievement
When addressing the task given, make sure to cover all aspects of the prompt in detail. Provide more specific examples and explanations to support your viewpoints, and ensure your own opinion is distinct and encapsulates all dimensions of the essay question.
lexical resource
Vary your vocabulary to accurately convey your points and avoid repetition. Employ synonyms, but make sure they fit the context appropriately. Your lexical resource is sufficient but somewhat limited; greater variety and precision in word choice could enhance your score.
grammatical range
Use a range of sentence structures, including complex sentences, to convey complex ideas clearly and effectively. Aim for accuracy in your grammar, as errors can detract from the overall comprehension of your essay. Strive for a balance between simple and complex grammatical constructions.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
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