IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs personal information, such as their hobbies and inerests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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The process of being accepted
in
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by
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 one organization is for employers to go through the applicants' resumes. Some employers find personal
information
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such
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 as hobbies, interest, or even their relationship status important, whilst others find it is not useful to include
such
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information
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.
This
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 essay agrees that personal
data
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 should be included in their resumes. Personal
information
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such
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 as hobbies or interests can be considered as a crucial part of selecting the right person for the job.
For example
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, If one of the job requirements is to collect
data
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 from sources like newspapers or research papers,
then
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 it is best suited for
employer
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an employer
the employer
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 to select someone with reading as their main hobby.
Moreover
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, relationship status
also
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 can be one of the criteria to choose the best candidate.
For instance
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, there might be a job requirement that requires lots of travelling.
Thus
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, the person who has a spouse will
have
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be
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 inconvenienced
to keep
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by
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 travelling.
This
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meaning
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means
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 that personal
data
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 can be a good insight for employers for the recruitment process. There is an argument who believe that those kinds of section is not suitable to be added to a resume. As it is considered not important the sections
such
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 as background experiences, their history of education, and their skill sets are far more valuable.
For example
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, In some countries especially in European countries, they believe that a resume should be free from any irrelevant
data
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 and even a picture of the candidate is not allowed.
However
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, some
information
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 on their interest or hobbies can
be added
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 value and highlight their strength compared to other candidates.
To conclude
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, personal
information
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 provides deep insight to the recruiters on who they are and helps the recruiters to be more selective in choosing the future employee if compared to those who just provided facts in their resumes.

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task response
Ensure a clear and direct response to all parts of the task. Present relevant main ideas with some support but there may be a tendency to over-generalize and lack focus.
coherence and cohesion
There is some progression and a flow of information. There is also evidence of a basic organizational structure, but this needs improvement for clarity and coherence.
lexical resource
Lexical resource is adequate, but there is a need for a wider range of vocabulary and more awareness of collocation.
grammatical range
Grammatical structures are mostly accurate; however, more variety and complexity is needed. Pay attention to punctuation and sentence structure for improved clarity and precision.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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