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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph below illustrates the percentage of tourists to England who visited four different attractions in Brighton over a period of 30 years between 1980 and 2010.

The line graph below illustrates the percentage of tourists to England who visited four different attractions in Brighton over a period of 30 years between 1980 and 2010.
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The line chart displays the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
tourists
Use synonyms
 to England that visited four
touristic
Replace the word
tourist
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 attractions in
Brighton
Use synonyms
 from 1980 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, the most significant feature of
recorded
Add an article
the recorded
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 period is that foreign
tourists
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 who visited art galleries in
Brighton
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 saw a slight decrease. The percentage of foreign visitors who visited pavilions increased gradually,
while
Linking Words
 the
proportion
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 of
tourists
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 who went
piers
Change preposition
to piers
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 rose more significantly between 1980 to 2010. The figure for festivals in
Brighton
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 which are visited by foreign visitors remained relatively stable over the 30-year period. The
proportion
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 of
tourists
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visited
Correct pronoun usage
who visited
show examples
 pavilions in
Brighton
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 was around a quarter in 1980, and
this
Linking Words
 climbed dramatically to almost
a
Correct article usage
apply
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half in 1995 before declining drastically to just over 30% in 2010. The
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of foreign visitors who visited piers
was fluctuated
Change to the active voice
fluctuated
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 between just under 10% and around 15% between 1980 and 2000.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 fluctuation, it saw a noticeable increase of roughly 10%, finishing at just above 20%
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period. The
proportion
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 of
tourists
Use synonyms
went
Correct pronoun usage
who went
show examples
art
Change preposition
to art
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 exhibitions in
Brighton
Use synonyms
 was just above a fifth and
this
Linking Words
 figure increased to a peak of just below 40% in 1985;
however
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 ratio decreased to just below a tenth over the 25 years. The percentage of
tourists
Use synonyms
visited
Correct pronoun usage
who visited
show examples
 festivals fell slightly from about 30% to just under %30 from 1980 to 1985 and
then
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 ratio remained relatively stable at
this
Linking Words
 level after 25 years.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, tourists, brighton with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stable" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just below" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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