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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that increasing violence in the media is the cause of increasing violence in our society, especially among children. Others believe that children's peer groups and parental role models are a much more powerful influence on children's behavior.

Nowadays, people are able to gain knowledge through
media
Use synonyms
 thanks to globalization. The
internet
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 allows everyone, including
children
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, to consume everything from everywhere easily. Unfortunately, the
internet
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 itself is a free space, which
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
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 possibility to provide
a
Correct article usage
apply
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harmful content
such
Linking Words
 as
violence
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that parental methods and peer groups play a significant role
for
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in
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children
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's mindset and response towards
violence
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 issues.
However
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, there are several things that we need to address regarding
media
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 management rules.
To begin
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, parental
method
Fix the agreement mistake
methods
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 and family dynamics are critical to
children
Use synonyms
's mental development. As their first source of education,
children
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are relying
Wrong verb form
rely
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 on their
parents
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' guidance in every part of their early stage of life.
For instance
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, based on
UNICEF
Correct article usage
a UNICEF
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 survey in 2020,
children
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's
problem solving
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problem-solving
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 styles are 97% influenced by their
parents
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' approach. In the case of
media
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 consumption,
parents
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 play a pivotal role
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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safeguard
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safeguarding
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of
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apply
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their
children
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. In fact, the
internet
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 itself is just a tool so the decision in
whats
Correct your spelling
what's
show examples
 good and bad in
media
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 has become the user's responsibility.
Thus
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,
parents
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 should keep an eye on what their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 consume
everyday
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every day
show examples
 through social
media
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.
In addition
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, peer groups
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also
Add a missing verb
are also
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 essential in how
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children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
 perceive and
response
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respond
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 to some
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 need to ensure that their kids are surrounded by a good environment.
However
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, it is a fact that the governments have a responsibility to provide a safe space in
media
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. In Indonesia,
this
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 issue has turned into
priority
Correct article usage
a priority
show examples
 since the illegal
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as
violence
Use synonyms
,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
rose
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risen
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up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
For instance
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, in 2007, bullying and
violence
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 among
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
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 rose significantly in Indonesia.
Therefore
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, the Ministry of Telecommunication tried to combat those issues and created a policy that several illegal websites and games which are containing
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
harmful
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
. In conclusion, I believe that parental method and peer groups are the main factors
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 how
Use synonyms
children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
response
Replace the word
respond
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
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 several issues.
However
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, it should be highlighted that the governments
also
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 have a responsibility to ensure that the
internet
Use synonyms
 is a safe space for the citizens.

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introduction
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your view. A clear thesis statement is essential.
paragraph structure
Organize your ideas into well-structured paragraphs, each with a clear main idea and supporting sentences.
development of ideas
Make sure to elaborate and extend each main point with clear explanation and specific examples.
cohesion
Maintain a logical flow throughout the essay. Use cohesive devices (linking words) to improve the reader's ability to follow your arguments.
conclusion
Include a conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates your position. It should be a natural end to your essay.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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