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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that governments should pay for public health care and education, while others say that it is not the government’s responsibility. Please discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #health #care #education #government’s #responsibility
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Recently, there has been a contentious subject about
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 responsibility in both medical and educational fields.
Although
 numerous residents believe that universal
education
 and state-funded
healthcare
 systems are essential and important, a contrary school of thought holds that they can be problematic in multiple ways.
This
 essay will analyze
this
 debatable topic, with relevant rationale,
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
 suggest my own perspective
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 controversy. On the one hand, it is undeniable that publicly fun
services
 provide a myriad of benefits.
Firstly
,
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the introduction of subsidization for
healthcare
 and
education
 creates equity for the public
services
 across social classes. In reality, wealthy people tend to have better experiences when getting medical
services
, indicating an inegalitarian society, where human rights are of inferior importance. Not only do the stated-funded
services
 alleviate the socioeconomic disparity
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
they
also
 offer people higher living qualities. The presence of universal
healthcare
 and
education
 programs provides the mass public with valuable welfare and opportunities to enhance their
quality
 of life.
As a result
, there are fewer challenges and hardships for the underprivileged. Ultimately, many social benefits result from extensive state investment
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
education
 and
healthcare
.
On the other hand
, universal
services
 have been responsible for many troubling phenomena. In densely populated areas, the
quality
 of medical and educational
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 is vulnerable to deterioration as their capacity becomes overwhelmed. Under the universal coverage scheme,
quality
 is unfortunately compromised, leading to problems
such
 as excessive waiting time for medical care or overcrowded classrooms. Not only do universal
services
 tremendously harm the
quality
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to unpleasant impacts related to employment. Evidently, both medicine and
education
 fields are
labor-intensive
Change the spelling
labour-intensive
show examples
,
thus
 requiring a great wage expenditure, which may be limited under universal schemes.
Consequently
, medical and educational institutes may be understaffed and underpay their employees.
To sum up
, I conceive that state-funded
services
 possess numerous benefits, which strongly overshadow the downsides. Yet, in order to implement these programs effectively, progressive policies need to be introduced to address the issue related to staffing and
quality
 decline.
Submitted by baonguyen9406n on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical flow between sentences and paragraphs for better clarity.
task achievement
In the introductory paragraph, clearly state your opinion as the prompt requires a discussion and your viewpoint.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to substantiate your arguments and enhance the essay's persuasive power.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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