The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
The graph depicts
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
about employment in various fields in Freedonia by sex in
Change the article
the year
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
1975 and 1995. The red dot indicates data for
women
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and black for men. There are six areas that are described in the line chart, which are manufacturing, communications, finance or banking, wholesale and retail trade, non-
defence
public
sector
, and
defence related
Add a hyphen
defence-related
show examples
public
sector
. In 1975,
women
workers are commonly contributing in the general public
sector
areas with a
number
of 650, rather than weapon-related public
sector
jobs with a total of almost zero.
On the other hand
, in the same
year
Add a comma
year,
show examples
the highest
number
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
male officers
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
the same,
also
in
non-
Correct article usage
the non-defence
show examples
defence
public
sector
section with a large
number
of 850 people. In the most recent data, there is a change in the business
sector
with most
women
, which is now wholesale and retail trade with around 790 human resources and
defence
public
sector
still being the least with a sum of 100 persons. Data on
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
workers still stay the same with
non-
Add an article
the non-defence
show examples
defence
public
sector
being the highest (850) and
defence
Correct article usage
the defence
show examples
public
sector
the lowest (200). Looking into more
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
, there
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
a significant
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
of career
women
in the communications and banking sectors between 1975 and 1995.
While on
Correct word choice
On
show examples
the opposite sex, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
almost no growth in all fields except
defence
Correct article usage
the defence
show examples
public
sector
which had a decline in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
of people.
Submitted by namanyazafa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words women, sector, defence, number with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!