IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
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The graph depicts
informations
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information
pieces of information
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 about employment in various fields in Freedonia by sex in
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the year
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year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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 1975 and 1995. The red dot indicates data for
women
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,
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apply
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 and black for men. There are six areas that are described in the line chart, which are manufacturing, communications, finance or banking, wholesale and retail trade, non-
defence
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 public
sector
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, and
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defence related
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defence-related
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 public
sector
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. In 1975,
women
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 workers are commonly contributing in the general public
sector
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 areas with a
number
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 of 650, rather than weapon-related public
sector
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 jobs with a total of almost zero.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in the same
year
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year,
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 the highest
number
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with
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of
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 male officers
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the same,
also
Linking Words
 in
non-
Correct article usage
the non-defence
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defence
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 public
sector
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 section with a large
number
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 of 850 people. In the most recent data, there is a change in the business
sector
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 with most
women
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, which is now wholesale and retail trade with around 790 human resources and
defence
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 public
sector
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 still being the least with a sum of 100 persons. Data on
men
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male
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 workers still stay the same with
non-
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the non-defence
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defence
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 public
sector
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 being the highest (850) and
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defence
Correct article usage
the defence
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 public
sector
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 the lowest (200). Looking into more
details
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detail
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, there
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 a significant
raise
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rise
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 of career
women
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 in the communications and banking sectors between 1975 and 1995.
Linking Words
While on
Correct word choice
On
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 the opposite sex, there
are
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is
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 almost no growth in all fields except
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defence
Correct article usage
the defence
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 public
sector
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 which had a decline in
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number
Change the article
a number
the number
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 of people.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, sector, defence, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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