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Writing Samples
Band 6

The presented pie chart gives data on the trend of occupation of males and females in the United Kingdom in 1992.

The presented pie chart gives data on the trend of occupation of males and females in the United Kingdom in 1992.
The
given
Verb problem
apply
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pie chart illustrates about pattern of comparison of
Use synonyms
females job
Fix the agreement mistake
female jobs
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 and
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males job
Fix the agreement mistake
male jobs
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 in the United Kingdom
by
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in
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 1992. In general, the highest occupation for
males
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 and
females
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 same as the Non-manual categories based on the pie
charts
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chart
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 data.
In addition
Linking Words
, the statistical data had different types
such
Linking Words
 as
from
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apply
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Males
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were
Correct pronoun usage
who were
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 focused
in
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on
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 Managerial and professional
career
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careers
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
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females
Change noun form
females'
female's
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career
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careers
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 were more interested in the Clerical or related. In terms of the
male's
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males'
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 careers were interested in the almost in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Manual
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
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such
Linking Words
 as Craft or similar
and
Correct word choice
apply
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other manual, where the values were 24 per
cent
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 and 26 per
cent
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, respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the highest of occupation
males
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 were managerial and professional,
which
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with
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 value was 36 per
cent
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. Regarding
of
Change preposition
apply
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female jobs, we can see the
females
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 were interested in non-manual occupations
such
Linking Words
 as clerical or related and managerial and professional,
which
Change preposition
in which
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 the percentages were 31 per
cent
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 and 29 per
cent
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, respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
, the lowest interest from
females
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 works was as general labourers,
which
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with
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 a percentage of only 1 per
cent
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in addition, such".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words females, males, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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