IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say History is the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science & technology are more important than History

#people #history #school #subjects #world #science #technology
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In my opinion, I think every subject is important for us. We have to learn everything through our
pas
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past
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, present and
future
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. Some
people
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 say that
History
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 is one of the most important school subjects it’s true but it has to go
along with
Linking Words
 today’s world which is
Science
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 and
Technology
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. How can we move without our
history
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, the
people
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 behind us “The ancient
people
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”
is
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are
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 the most powerful
people
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 who
pushes
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push
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 us to move forward. They taught us how to fire a light, how to find
a food
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food
a portion of food
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, how to live with other
and
Correct word choice
apply
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animals, how to survive and others. Of
course
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course,
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 we would not know that without them.
Science
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 and
Technology
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 are important too. They give us
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
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 to move forward with them. Without them, we are just a normal human being. We spend our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 with no added value. Without them, we have no light, we have no food, we have no comfortable stuff and things. Old
people
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 can survive without these things. Human creates a lot of invention to give
an unlimited wants
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unlimited wants
an unlimited want
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 of
people
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 based on a limited government. May I
gives
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give
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 one example of the development of
science
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 and
technology
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. With
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this
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these
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 two things, it
give
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gives
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 us
chance
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a chance
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 to be a member of
ASEAN
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the ASEAN
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 “Association of South East Asia
Nation
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Nations
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” we can be able to communicate with the other nine countries with
the
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apply
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high
technology
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. It helps
is
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us
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 to be a team with the other 9 countries to develop our country. Help us in terms of transportation, communication, collaboration and so on. It can definitely hold on to that hope that in the near
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future
Add a comma
future,
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overall
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 economics can totally
achieves
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achieved
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. It is a fact that the
member
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members
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 of the ASEAN have differences in
term
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terms
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 of political standing, culture and traditions but it’s not a problem with our help. I know that there
are
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is
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 a bright
future
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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waiting for all of us and
that is
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 a reason why
History
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,
Science
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 and
Technology
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is
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are
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 important. We use
history
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 to learn about others, their culture and their tradition to
be understand
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be understood
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 by each other more and more. And sing
science
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 and
technology
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 to help us, our country, our world to
be moving
Wrong verb form
move
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 forward, to help each other and to give a bright
chances
Correct the article-noun agreement
chance
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 and
future
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 for everyone, especially kids give a chance
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to study, to go to school, to get knowledge so the next ten years, twenty years to the new upcoming year all of them can help each other to pass these chances to others.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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introduction conclusion present
Your introduction lacks an effective hook and thesis statement. Consider delineating your viewpoint clearly and providing a roadmap for the arguments you intend to discuss. Make certain the introduction aligns with the assertions made in the essay's body.
logical structure
While your essay conveys personal conviction, the ideas could be better structured. Aim to use a clear paragraph structure, with topic sentences that introduce the paragraph's main idea, followed by explanation and example. This will assist the reader in following your argumentation more effectively.
complete response
The essay generally adheres to the topic but could benefit from a more exhaustive exploration of the contrast between History, Science and Technology. You should strive to address the prompt more fully by exploring why some individuals emphasize the importance of History over Science and Technology and vice versa. Sufficient examples and explanations must substantiate your points.
clear comprehensive ideas
Develop clarity and depth in your ideas by avoiding overgeneralization and by focusing on specificity. Rather than making broad assertions, provide concrete examples and detailed explanations to enhance your argument's persuasive power.
relevant specific examples
You have attempted to utilize examples, but they are often too general or lack specificity. Aim to provide concrete and relevant instances from real-life that illustrate your points effectively. This can include citing historical events, technological milestones, or modern-day scenarios that demonstrate the importance of these subjects.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • comprehend
  • retrospect
  • gain insights
  • reflect on
  • sharpen
  • evaluate
  • significance
  • heritage
  • legacy
  • advent
  • breakthroughs
  • sustain
  • sustainability
  • revolutions
  • empowered
  • overcome
  • transform
  • advancements
  • collaboration
  • cooperation
  • diversity
  • fulfilling
  • promote
  • facilitate
  • prosperity
  • enhance
  • foster
  • foundation
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