In order to solve traffic jams and home problems, people believe that it can be solved by removing companies, factories and employees to country side. To what extend do you agree?
An increasingly gigantic number of
companies
and industries cause traffic jams and dwelling issues. Some people
claim that those problems could be overcome by relocating them into
rural Change preposition
to
areas
. I agree with the point of view, as this
might bring some positive effects on environment
and economy in both Correct article usage
the environment
areas
.
To begin
with, it is an indisputable fact that by
replacing big-modern corporations and factories Change preposition
apply
from
modern Change preposition
in
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
to
Change preposition
in
countryside
could solve the traffic congestion and housing problems. Correct article usage
the countryside
This
is because the reduction of cars and space contribute
more to Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
decrease
the traffic Wrong verb form
decreasing
communting
time, and might provide Correct your spelling
commuting
people
with good facilities. It also
will reduce the air pollution in the city
significantly, so that society living in a big area could have healthier-fresh
air. Despite having insufficient workers in Correct your spelling
healthier fresh
city
, It will make the Add an article
the city
city
activities much more balanced and healthier.
Furthermore
, this
plan will offer more job opportunities for individuals who live in rural areas
. Because of relocating modern companies
and industries, people
will not only find job
easily, but Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
also
increase their economy swiftly. Thus
, relocating those industry activities will cut down meticulously the rate of unemployment. Another beneficial effect is the rural economy will increase constantly due to
the availability of industries and companies
in the areas
. To exemplify, young people
, living in a
rural Correct article usage
apply
area
with Fix the agreement mistake
areas
lack
of job opportunities, can easily get hired since Correct article usage
a lack
the
commercial Correct article usage
apply
companies
require miscellaneous employees to fulfil
several positionsVerb problem
fill
in
. (Give an elaboration of the example!!)
In conclusion, in spite of cutting the number of employees in the Change preposition
apply
city
, I strongly believe that moving companies
and industrial activities provides huge benefits in reducing the amount of cities' pollution and dilating the jobs'
opportunities for citizens in Change noun form
jobs
countryside
.Add an article
the countryside
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coherence cohesion
The essay does not follow a clear and logical progressions of ideas, you should use paragraphs and linking words more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion; however, they are very brief and could be developed further for clarity and emphasis on your stance.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are present, they lack in-depth development and supporting details. Elaboration on examples, especially, is needed to fortify your argument.
task achievement
The response is not fully complete since the prompt demands a discussion of to what extent you agree with the statement. Phrases indicating the degree to which you agree or disagree must be included throughout the essay, especially in the conclusion.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear but they lack comprehensiveness. Include more developed explanations to clearly convey your points.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is limited and insufficient. Incorporate more detailed examples to substantiate your arguments and demonstrate your understanding of the topic.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite