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Band 5

It is difficult for people to get enough physical exercise in cities. What are the causes and solutions?

#people #exercise #cities
Nowadays, many
people
 find it difficult to
exercise
 in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, especially those who live in cities. So in
this
 essay, we will explain what are the causes of the scarcity of activities and give some possible solutions to improve their physical
exercise
. Many reasons lead to citizens, especially young
people
, difficulty getting enough
exercise
.
Firstly
,
people
 might have
time
 to do some sports after work because they may get tired after the long journey so the only thing they want is to lie over. A person who starts working at 8 a.m. and ends
upat
Correct your spelling
at
up at
 6p.m. probably does not have the energy to do physical activities,
for instance
.
Secondly
, workers opt to travel in public transportation or drive vehicles on their own to work or school rather than walking or cycling,
therefore
 they might do
exercise
.
Finally
, as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technologies are so advanced nowadays,
people
 are spending most of their
time
 on electronic devices all day,
such
 as shopping online.
This
 leads citizens to find lazier
due to
 all the things that can be delivered to their homes. Despite that less physical activity can lead to health issues and no socialisation with others, we can find solutions to it. Companies could shorten the working hours or have gyms in their workplace so employees can relax.
Additionally
, a proposal of imposing laws to lower the use of private cars to encourage citizens to use public transport or share-bicycle will
also
 persuade them to do some
exercise
.
And as
Correct word choice
As
show examples
 a solution to the excessive use of smartphones, youths can set an average of
time
 to devote to gadgets and after the
time
 consumed phone or any other devices call off.
Therefore
, they could
exercise
 their body whether doing some sport or going out with friends and families. Summarising, it is difficult today for
people
, especially youngsters to get the right amount of
exercise
 in cities rather than those who live in small towns. A range of solutions can be implanted to promote doing sports.
Submitted by rachel131 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical progression of ideas. Consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
There is an introduction and conclusion, but they could be more effectively utilized to clearly state the topic and summarize the main points of the essay. Work on making your introduction more engaging and your conclusion more conclusive.
coherence cohesion
The main points of the essay are somewhat supported, but providing more specific examples and evidence would strengthen your arguments. Use real-world examples or data to support your points.
task achievement
You have addressed the task, however, the response needs to more fully develop each point of the argument. Expound on your ideas to provide a deeper analysis of the topic.
task achievement
Ideas are presented but could be articulated more clearly and comprehensively. Aim for clarity and precision in language use.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but they are too general. You need to provide more specific and detailed examples to illustrate your points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Urban lifestyle
  • Sedentary jobs
  • Physical activity/exercise
  • Motorized transport
  • Cycling
  • High density living
  • Recreational facilities
  • Time constraints
  • Commuting
  • Unhealthy food options
  • Public awareness
  • Health and well-being
  • Active transportation
  • Infrastructure improvements
  • Workplace initiatives
  • Community events
  • Incentives
  • Gym memberships
  • Wellness programs
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