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Writing Samples
Band 7

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar graph illustrates the proportion of Australian
people
Use synonyms
 who did regular physical
exercise
Use synonyms
 in 2010, analyzing in terms of gender and
age
Use synonyms
 group.
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 doing
exercise
Use synonyms
 are very similar. Another significant feature is that
women
Use synonyms
 do more
exercise
Use synonyms
 than
men
Use synonyms
 in all
age
Use synonyms
 ranges, except for those below 24 and 65 or over. After 35 years old, male the older they got, the more
exercise
Use synonyms
 they did, in the
age
Use synonyms
 ranges 35 to 44, 45 to 54 and 55 to 64, the proportion of
people
Use synonyms
 who did
exercise
Use synonyms
 were 39.5%, 43.1% and 45.1% respectively.
While
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 doing
exercise
Use synonyms
 in these same
age
Use synonyms
 ranges remained relatively stable, between 52.5% and 53.3%. The only
age
Use synonyms
 range in which
men
Use synonyms
 did more
exercise
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 are the one from 15 to 24; 52.8% of
men
Use synonyms
 did
exercise
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 only 47.7% of
women
Use synonyms
 did physical activity, in the next
age
Use synonyms
 range, the
number
Use synonyms
 of male who did activity dropped dramatically by 10.6%
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
 increased moderately to 48.9%.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 in the oldest
age
Use synonyms
 range who did
exercise
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 similar in both genders; 46.7% of
men
Use synonyms
 and 47.1% of
women
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, exercise, age, women, men, number with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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