IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children today are told dependent on computer and electronic entertainment.It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree.

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encouraging
children
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 to spend more
time
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 outside engaging in physical
activities
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,
sports
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, and
games
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 is incredibly beneficial for their
overall
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 development.
While
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 computer and electronic
entertainment
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 can have their merits, the advantages of outdoor play are manifold and crucial for a child's growth.
Firstly
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, outdoor
activities
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 foster physical well-being. Playing
sports
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 or
games
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 outdoors allows
children
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 to engage in physical exercise, promoting their fitness and health. Running, jumping, climbing, and playing various
sports
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 not only help in maintaining a healthy weight but
also
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 contribute to developing stronger muscles and bones.
Moreover
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, outdoor play encourages social interaction. When
children
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 engage in team
sports
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 or group
games
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 outside, they learn crucial social skills
such
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 as teamwork, communication, and problem-solving. They develop the ability to cooperate with others, negotiate rules, and resolve conflicts, essential skills that translate into various aspects of their lives.
Additionally
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, outdoor play encourages creativity and imagination. Unlike structured electronic
entertainment
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, outdoor
activities
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 often involve using the environment creatively.
Children
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 invent
games
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, build forts, and explore their surroundings, stimulating their imaginative thinking and problem-solving abilities. Spending
time
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 outside
also
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 connects
children
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 with nature, fostering an appreciation for the environment.
This
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 connection helps
develop
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them develop
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 a sense of responsibility and care for the world around them. It
instills
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instils
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 values of conservation and environmental stewardship, which are crucial in today's world.
Furthermore
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, outdoor play provides a much-needed break from the sedentary lifestyle often associated with excessive screen
time
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. It allows
children
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 to disconnect from technology, reducing stress and improving their mental well-being. The fresh air and exposure to sunlight
also
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 contribute to better mood and
overall
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 mental health.
While
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 electronic
entertainment
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 can offer educational value and
entertainment
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, finding a balance is crucial. Encouraging
children
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 to have a healthy mix of both indoor and outdoor
activities
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 is ideal.
However
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, prioritizing outdoor play allows them to develop physically, socially, and mentally in ways that electronic
entertainment
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 cannot replicate. In conclusion,
while
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 technology has its place in
children
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's lives, prioritizing outdoor
activities
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 and
sports
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 is undeniably advantageous. Encouraging
children
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 to spend more
time
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 outside fosters physical health, social skills, creativity, environmental awareness, and
overall
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 well-being. It's essential to strike a balance and encourage
children
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 to explore the joys and benefits of outdoor play.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to directly address the question of whether you agree or disagree with the statement in your introduction and conclusion for a clearer stance.
Task Achievement
Consider including more specific examples and data to support your argument, as these will help solidify your main points and provide a more persuasive essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and that each idea logically follows the previous one for a more coherent structure.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to enhance the flow of information and ideas throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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