IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many contries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that this the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. What extent do you agree or disagree?

#contries #children #people #responsibility #governments
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, children are consuming fast
food
Use synonyms
 and
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 less nutritive
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
 in daily life. So that, in most of
nations
Add an article
the nations
show examples
, children are becoming obese and weaker in
health
Use synonyms
.
Significant
Change the article
A significant
The significant
show examples
 number of people argue that the
government
Use synonyms
 is responsible for
this
Linking Words
 issue and they have to solve it. If asked, I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. I will explain my view in
ensuring
Verb problem
the concluding
show examples
 paragraph.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 the
begin
Replace the word
beginning
show examples
, it's truly acceptable that nowadays teenagers becoming more overweight and unstable
health
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
 should definitely take steps to minimise
this
Linking Words
 problem as well
encourage
Correct word choice
as encourage
show examples
 to them for the consuming
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy meals.
Moreover
Linking Words
, preventive and promotive steps are helpful to overcome
Linking Words
this problems
Change the determiner
this problem
these problems
show examples
.
In other words
Linking Words
, authorities would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
organise
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 for
health
Use synonyms
 awareness, education on
balance
Replace the word
balanced
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
, physical activities and regulations on
food
Use synonyms
 industries to manage the
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 in
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 area which help to create
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enough knowledge
Change preposition
for
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them.
As
Change preposition
For
show examples
 example,
mid-day
Correct article usage
a mid-day
show examples
 meal program
have
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 introduced in India that
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to provide the minimum amount of nutrients via the school lunch. On the other side, many individuals
are believe
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 only
slove
Verb problem
solves
show examples
 the condition.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, parents are equally important in growing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their childhood
as well as
Linking Words
 many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
habits which one can stop
it in
Correct your spelling
at an
show examples
 early age. Because, after some time is difficult to overcome
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 habits and later childhood it would to have appearing as oversized and many
of diasese
Replace the word
diseases
show examples
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 like , protein energy malnutrition.
In addition
Linking Words
, regular physical activity
also
Linking Words
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to them maintaining the Basal metabolism rate which is
Correct pronoun usage
what ones
show examples
ones
Replace the word
one
show examples
learn
Correct subject-verb agreement
learns
show examples
 from family. In conclusion,
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 issues would be solved by
Correct article usage
the colloborative
show examples
colloborative
Correct your spelling
collaborative
 approach of
government
Use synonyms
 and
individuals family
Fix the agreement mistake
individual families
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 authorities would be responsible for
health
Use synonyms
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 and
food
Use synonyms
 regulations on manufacturing
Linking Words
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
parents can equally participate in good
food
Use synonyms
 and physical activities.
Submitted by sanganiankita2023 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay does not fully address the complexity of the topic. To improve task achievement, ensure that you fully explore both sides of the argument presented, providing a more nuanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay requires improvement for better coherency. Organize your ideas into clear, well-structured paragraphs, each with a clear main idea and supporting sentences.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Childhood obesity
  • Public health policy
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Obesity rates
  • Health education campaigns
  • Physical education
  • Dietary habits
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Preventive measures
  • Multinational corporations
  • Health-conscious initiatives
  • Recreational facilities
  • Collaborative approach
  • Healthcare providers
  • Body mass index (BMI)
What to do next:
Look at other essays: