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Band 5

In many contries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that this the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. What extent do you agree or disagree?

#contries #children #people #responsibility #governments
Nowadays, children are consuming fast
food
 and
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
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 less nutritive
diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
show examples
 in daily life. So that, in most of
nations
Add an article
the nations
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, children are becoming obese and weaker in
health
.
Significant
Change the article
A significant
The significant
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 number of people argue that the
government
 is responsible for
this
 issue and they have to solve it. If asked, I partially agree with
this
 statement. I will explain my view in
ensuring
Verb problem
the concluding
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 paragraph.
On
Change preposition
In
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 the
begin
Replace the word
beginning
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, it's truly acceptable that nowadays teenagers becoming more overweight and unstable
health
.
Firstly
,
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
 should definitely take steps to minimise
this
 problem as well
encourage
Correct word choice
as encourage
show examples
 to them for the consuming
the
Correct article usage
apply
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healthy meals.
Moreover
, preventive and promotive steps are helpful to overcome
this problems
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this problem
these problems
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.
In other words
, authorities would
Verb problem
apply
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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organise
the
Correct article usage
apply
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various
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
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 for
health
 awareness, education on
balance
Replace the word
balanced
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
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diet
Fix the agreement mistake
diets
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, physical activities and regulations on
food
 industries to manage the
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 in
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 area which help to create
Correct article usage
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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enough knowledge
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for
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to
Change preposition
for
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 them.
As
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For
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 example,
mid-day
Correct article usage
a mid-day
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 meal program
have
Wrong verb form
has been
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 introduced in India that
one
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apply
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 to provide the minimum amount of nutrients via the school lunch. On the other side, many individuals
are believe
Change the verb form
believe
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 that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 only
slove
Verb problem
solves
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 the condition.
Although
Correct word choice
However
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, parents are equally important in growing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their childhood
as well as
 many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
habits which one can stop
it in
Correct your spelling
at an
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 early age. Because, after some time is difficult to overcome
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 habits and later childhood it would to have appearing as oversized and many
of diasese
Replace the word
diseases
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condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
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 like , protein energy malnutrition.
In addition
, regular physical activity
also
lead
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leads
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 to them maintaining the Basal metabolism rate which is
Correct pronoun usage
what ones
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ones
Replace the word
one
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learn
Correct subject-verb agreement
learns
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 from family. In conclusion,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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health
 issues would be solved by
Correct article usage
the colloborative
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colloborative
Correct your spelling
collaborative
 approach of
government
 and
individuals family
Fix the agreement mistake
individual families
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.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 authorities would be responsible for
health
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
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 and
food
 regulations on manufacturing
also
Rephrase
apply
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parents can equally participate in good
food
 and physical activities.
Submitted by sanganiankita2023 on

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task achievement
The essay does not fully address the complexity of the topic. To improve task achievement, ensure that you fully explore both sides of the argument presented, providing a more nuanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay requires improvement for better coherency. Organize your ideas into clear, well-structured paragraphs, each with a clear main idea and supporting sentences.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Childhood obesity
  • Public health policy
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Obesity rates
  • Health education campaigns
  • Physical education
  • Dietary habits
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Preventive measures
  • Multinational corporations
  • Health-conscious initiatives
  • Recreational facilities
  • Collaborative approach
  • Healthcare providers
  • Body mass index (BMI)
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