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Band 4.5

Excessive consumption of sugar causes many health related issues. Some people believe the government should control population’s sugar intake while others think people themselves should be responsible for their sugar eating habits. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#consumption #sugar #health #people #government #control #population’s #intake #habits
well in
this
 time and with the
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
update which is happening in our era to give children the ability to have a
cell
phone
 with them, in
this
 generation it is very common to happen most of them
stuck
Change the verb form
to stick
show examples
 with these pieces because it is very easy to use in
this
 passage i will mention some of the advantages and desadventegs about giving our children
cell
phone
 in my opinion, the benefit behind
this
 is the ability to learn a lot of
things
 and different types of subjects which is good for improving their knowledge
in addition
 to that they can make some connections with a new friend and discover a new hope,
for example
,
for example
, they can learn how to draw or how to sing all of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
these
things
 can do it with their
cell
phone
 but
on the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 the advantage is in my view ,
cell
 phones can be very dangerous for them they can use them in the wrong ways
for example
 search for
things
 not allowing them to know about
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 or
taking
Correct your spelling
talking
show examples
 to strangers who can hurt them in a tough way the
cell
phone
 is a small piece bout what it can impact on our children is really enormous
last
 but not least technology is double- an edged sword my point is to give them
cell
 phones but with parental control and an educational theme about the consequences form the wrong way of using
cell
 phones and give them trust let them know about that so later
this
 will make them feel like they are responsible about their false and it is a good method to let them discover new
things
 in the saim time we feel comfortable because we know
every thing
Correct your spelling
everything
show examples
 about them
Submitted by monm8097 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay does not directly address the given topic regarding sugar consumption, health issues, and the role of government versus individual responsibility. Make sure your essay is focused on the prompt and your position is clear throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a lack of clear structure, including a recognizable introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The creation of a logical essay structure will enhance the reader's ability to follow your argument.
Task Achievement
Supporting your main points with specific examples will add strength to your argument. Always use relevant examples that are directly related to your main points and the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to proofread your essay for grammatical and spelling errors; this will increase the clarity of your writing. Additionally, use a variety of sentence structures to create a more engaging and sophisticated essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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