IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Excessive consumption of sugar causes many health related issues. Some people believe the government should control population’s sugar intake while others think people themselves should be responsible for their sugar eating habits. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#consumption #sugar #health #people #government #control #population’s #intake #habits
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well in
this
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 time and with the
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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update which is happening in our era to give children the ability to have a
cell
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phone
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 with them, in
this
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 generation it is very common to happen most of them
stuck
Change the verb form
to stick
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 with these pieces because it is very easy to use in
this
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 passage i will mention some of the advantages and desadventegs about giving our children
cell
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phone
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 in my opinion, the benefit behind
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 is the ability to learn a lot of
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 and different types of subjects which is good for improving their knowledge
in addition
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 to that they can make some connections with a new friend and discover a new hope,
for example
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,
for example
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, they can learn how to draw or how to sing all of
the
Remove the article
apply
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these
things
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 can do it with their
cell
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phone
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 but
on the other
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hand
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hand,
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 the advantage is in my view ,
cell
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 phones can be very dangerous for them they can use them in the wrong ways
for example
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 search for
things
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 not allowing them to know about
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 or
taking
Correct your spelling
talking
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 to strangers who can hurt them in a tough way the
cell
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phone
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 is a small piece bout what it can impact on our children is really enormous
last
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 but not least technology is double- an edged sword my point is to give them
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 phones but with parental control and an educational theme about the consequences form the wrong way of using
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 phones and give them trust let them know about that so later
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 will make them feel like they are responsible about their false and it is a good method to let them discover new
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 in the saim time we feel comfortable because we know
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everything
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 about them
Submitted by monm8097 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay does not directly address the given topic regarding sugar consumption, health issues, and the role of government versus individual responsibility. Make sure your essay is focused on the prompt and your position is clear throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a lack of clear structure, including a recognizable introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The creation of a logical essay structure will enhance the reader's ability to follow your argument.
Task Achievement
Supporting your main points with specific examples will add strength to your argument. Always use relevant examples that are directly related to your main points and the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to proofread your essay for grammatical and spelling errors; this will increase the clarity of your writing. Additionally, use a variety of sentence structures to create a more engaging and sophisticated essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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