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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Although the position of women in society today has improved, there is still a great deal of sexual discrimination. Do you agree?

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Since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution,
women
Use synonyms
 have been an active part of civilizations. Nowadays, there is still some kind of gender inequality, despite of female positions have improved. In
this
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 essay, I am going to shed some light on the gender discrimination that
women
Use synonyms
 face today.
Firstly
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, the main reason why I agree with
this
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 statement is that some
females
Use synonyms
 who work in the same jobs as males do not get paid equally. To illustrate, female
football
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 players do not get paid as male
football
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 players,
although
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women
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's soccer is as popular as male
football
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. Another reason for believing
this
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 is that some employers let their female workers work extra hours and do not compensate them enough.
For example
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, a research study done by Harvard University states that more than 67% of female employees do not get paid enough for working extra hours.
Secondly
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, the community nowadays look at
females
Use synonyms
 as a secondary option for employment. As an example, a survey done by the UN that 80% of companies hire
females
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 if they did not find a male for some specific job.
In addition
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, employers now tend to look at
females
Use synonyms
 that they need more days off in a year than males.
For example
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, working
women
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 sometimes need more than a day off in a month than the average male employee, and that's
due to
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 their body nature.
Furthermore
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,
women
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 sometimes need a maternal leave that could reach up to a year in case they want to give birth. In conclusion,
women
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 face inequality in many sectors,
such
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 as
football
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, they
also
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 see
this
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 when working extra hours and not being treated the same in terms of health issues. I totally agree that
women
Use synonyms
 face sexism today,
although
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 we are in a civilized community that has improved over the years.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical sequencing of ideas throughout the essay, with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetitive sentence structures and strive to use a range of complex structures to enhance readability and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Provide clear explanations and develop your supporting ideas further, ensuring they are closely related to the main topic of each paragraph.
task achievement
Begin with a direct response to the essay question in your introduction and restate your position in the conclusion for stronger cohesion.
task achievement
Expand on the main ideas by giving more comprehensive explanations and nuanced arguments instead of simple statements.
task achievement
Support your arguments with specific, relevant examples and ensure you explain how these examples are connected to the main points.
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