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Band 3

Some kids become famous at a very younge age. Do you think it has more advantages or disadvantages?

#kids #younge #age
Children who become famous
at
Change preposition
in
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 the early years of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 tend to have more disadvantages,
such
 as
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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stress
Wrong verb form
stressed
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 at
young
Add an article
a young
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 age and
less
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having less
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 focus on academics. With too
much
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many
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 expectations to perform in front of a lot of people, kids could experience stress
as a result
.
This
 is because it is hard to manage their feelings when they are underperformed, as it has not been developed really well.
Furthermore
, a study from
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of X
also
 shows that seven
from
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out of
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 ten children are more prone to
stess
Correct your spelling
stress
 when they are being too
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
exposed.
Moreover
, kids which already become celebrities will be less
focus
Replace the word
focused
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 on their academics compared to those who
are
Verb problem
have
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 not. Too much time outside
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 will make them less understood of
material
Correct article usage
the material
show examples
 being taught
at
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in
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 classes.
This
 will
also
 make them
hard
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to manage their time, which impacts
on
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apply
show examples
bad grades. In fact, a survey conducted in a high-end school stated that students who
often
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are often
show examples
 absent for doing entertainment shows have low scores
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 mathematics, physics, and chemistry.
To sum up
, kids who become celebrities at
young
Add an article
a young
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 age
gives
Verb problem
have
show examples
 more drawbacks than good outcomes. They will become prone to stress and lack of focus on academics which leads to poor marks at school.
Submitted by nadillamntr on

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task achievement
Make sure to provide a balanced argument if the question asks for advantages and disadvantages. Your essay was one-sided, focusing only on the disadvantages. It's essential to address both sides of the issue to fully meet the task requirements.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay demonstrates an attempt at logical structure, yet it lacks clear transitions and varied sentence structures. Use cohesive devices and different types of sentences to create a more sophisticated and coherent flow of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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