IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will l earn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn’t sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In our contemporary era, it has been debated whether someone is supposed to
work
Use synonyms
 during the study. The majority of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
 that it is good practice to receive some knowledge and might improve other
skills
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 others think that the time after school is a leisure time for breaks and activities. To examine both ways of understanding,
this
Linking Words
 essay will examine both points of view and give my view. Some elementary
skills
Use synonyms
 in career planning are of the essence. First and foremost, part-time
work
Use synonyms
 teaches students to be more responsible and how they should behave
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the job.
Moreover
Linking Words
, students might
be learned
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
 how they should
work
Use synonyms
,
which
Correct word choice
and which
show examples
 aspects
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 crucial in their job.
For instance
Linking Words
, they will know what certainly must be ready in a certain period of time.
In addition
Linking Words
, communication
skills
Use synonyms
 play a key role
as a result
Linking Words
, youngsters learn to communicate with everyone.
For example
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 ability would help young employees assist guests or tourists especially, if they
work
Use synonyms
 in the tourism sphere. Obviously,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
communication
skills
Use synonyms
 teach the young generation to
work
Use synonyms
 in tandem, make new friends and develop networks.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 aspect influences their future careers and plans.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, teenagers are under pressure at school because of different tasks and exams.
This
Linking Words
 aspect makes youngsters more stressed, and they should release
this
Linking Words
 negative feeling.
For instance
Linking Words
, teenagers can join
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different sources
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 music, sports, painting, cooking so forth.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, some students plan to carry on their future education, and they want to go to tutorials to supply extra lessons.
To sum up
Linking Words
, both points of view have pros and cons depending on some situations. I firmly agree that every student should decide whether they want to
work
Use synonyms
 or not, and choose
a more advantageous options
Correct the article-noun agreement
a more advantageous option
more advantageous options
show examples
 on the assumption of their
willings
Replace the word
willingness
show examples
 and schedule.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to ensure that each paragraph seamlessly flows into the next, using a variety of linking words and phrases that signal the relationship between ideas, rather than repeating the same conjunctions. Additionally, make sure that there are clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by supporting sentences and a conclusion or transition that wraps up the point before moving on.
Task Achievement
In terms of task response, you addressed both viewpoints and provided a personal opinion, which is good. However, to score higher, make sure to fully develop your ideas with more specific and relevant examples. This will show that you can illustrate and support your points effectively. Additionally, your essay would benefit from a deeper exploration of the implications or consequences of each viewpoint. Remember to directly compare the two sides rather than merely presenting them sequentially.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: