IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drinks that have scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#shops #food #drinks #people #health
Recently the issue that has been brought into focus is the importance of
food
 increasing availability. It is generally believed that shops should not be allowed to sell any
food
 or drinks that have been scientifically proven to be bad for humans’ health. I fully agree with that. In
this
 essay, I will take some factors to prove
this
 statement. No one can deny the fact that humans' health
Add a missing verb
is impacts
show examples
impacts
Replace the word
impacted
show examples
on
Change preposition
by
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 the
food
 they eat. It may give rise to a number of problems as the longevity of
people
 will
also
 drop if eating
food
 is not healthy. Nothing could be more apparent than the evidence that
people
 in China eat more fast
food
,
then
Correct your spelling
than
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 they have many issues about their health.
On the other hand
, microwavable meals are ready-prepared meals with basic, natural ingredients.It is necessary that effective measures should be taken to eat to have a level of balance
Apart from
this
, another aspect is that traditional
food
 is an important aspect of culture and social life. Part of the explanation lies in those dishes all having their own nutrients and cultural characteristics. When the dishes are prepared cleanly, the guests who come to eat will forever remember that taste.
For instance
, when
people
 from other countries come to Vietnam and eat pho, they have many
wellrecomment
Correct your spelling
well recommend
for
this
food
.
By contrast
, if shops sell bad
food
,
people
 will have a bad impression of that locality.
Therefore
, it is important that
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
 which sells must be of good quality. From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that
food
 greatly affects human life. It might be time for shops to take
food
 hygiene into consideration.
Submitted by sinh.ielts on

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Task Achievement
Ensure your introduction directly addresses the question and presents a clear opinion. The essay's introduction should explicitly state whether you agree or disagree with the statement and outline the main points that will be discussed.
Task Achievement
Develop each paragraph with a single main idea, supported by specific examples. While you have made attempts to do this, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear focus and that the examples are directly relevant to the topic would improve the clarity of your main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices appropriately. While you have utilised some linking words, there is room for improvement in the way paragraphs and sentences are connected to create a more seamless flow of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
To maintain coherence, ensure there is a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay and that the points made in the introduction are mirrored and expanded upon in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Proofread the essay to correct grammatical and spelling errors such as 'wellrecomment' which should be 'well-recommended', 'eat to have a level of balance' which seems incomplete, and 'food greatly affects human life' that could be more eloquently phrased.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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