Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is often
debateable
topic around the world, whether children Correct article usage
a debateable
play
Wrong verb form
playing
outdoor
can bring more advantages Replace the word
outdoors
instead
of playing video
games
in
modern gadgets. Some believe that playing outside activities Change preposition
with
help
for infant's breakthroughs than playing Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
video
games
. I strongly agree with this
statement for the following reasons.
To begin
with, generally, playing outside games
provides enormous health benefits to children in order to they
have a chance to socialising with fellow kids Correct pronoun usage
apply
along with
they play each
other, Change preposition
with each
as a result
, team sprit
and communication skills build in their childhood period. Correct your spelling
spirit
This
will assist for
their future perspectives. Change preposition
in
For example
, a recent survey said that outdoor playing activities enhance toddler's brain developments
and functions Fix the agreement mistake
development
drematically
. Correct your spelling
dramatically
Hence
, playing outdoor games
provides plenty of benefits to children.
Furthermore
, playing video
games
can destroy toddler's
improvements Fix the agreement mistake
toddlers'
about
their lives, sedentary lifestyle can lead to Change preposition
in
being
obesity, depression and stress when Unnecessary verb
apply
its
compared to the outdoor activity they are able to play each other. Correct pronoun usage
apply
For instance
, in USA
kids do not like to play outdoor Correct article usage
the USA
games
they only like to play video
games
, Correct word choice
and consequantly
consequantly
, they are Correct your spelling
consequently
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
over weight
like obesity. Correct your spelling
overweight
Therefore
, playing video
games
bring more drawbacks for
kid's Change preposition
to
developments
.
Fix the agreement mistake
development
To conclude
, certainly, playing outdoor games
can give more benefits to toddler
than playing Fix the agreement mistake
toddlers
video
games
at home. I strongly agree with this
statement in the above-mentioned details. I hope this
trend helps to improve kid's developments
.Fix the agreement mistake
development
Submitted by reanudeepan on
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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks in varied and complex sentence structures, which is essential to demonstrate high language proficiency required for a high score. Consider using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to enhance the logical flow and structure of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay presents an introduction and conclusion, they are not well-developed. The introduction could provide a more nuanced background to the discussion before stating the thesis, while the conclusion should summarize the main points more effectively, not merely restate the thesis.
task achievement
The essay falls short in fully elaborating on the main points with relevant examples and evidence. Strive to support each claim with specific, detailed examples that are thoroughly explained to show a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a lack of clear transitions and logical progression from one idea to the next, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. Use transition words and phrases appropriately to guide the reader clearly through your discussion.
task achievement
The essay attempts to cover the required task by agreeing with the statement, but the development of ideas is superficial and lacks depth. Provide a more in-depth analysis of the topic, and ensure each paragraph effectively contributes to supporting your opinion.
task achievement
While you included some examples, they are not effectively integrated into the essay to strengthen your points. Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your argument, and take the time to elaborate on why these examples are pertinent to the topic at hand.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.