IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Smoking not only harms the smoker, but also people nearby. Therefore, smoking should be banned in public places. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#smoker #people #places
Cigarettes
 have been
controvercial
Correct your spelling
controversial
 among
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 since smoking harms the one who smokes
as well as
 people around the person.
For
this
 reason, individual's opinion if
cigars
 should be allowed or prohibited in public areas is varied. From my point of view, it is decent to be banned in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society as a rule.
This
 essay provides the reasons why
this
 idea is agreeable. First of all, the health issue related to smoking strongly contributes to the concept of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
prohibition because all civilians are responsible to each other in
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
.
This
 responsibility can be seen in other cases.
For instance
, in
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of some
drugs
such
 as
cocane
Correct your spelling
cocaine
 or
mariwana
Correct your spelling
marijuana
marina
, those are banned
to be
Change preposition
from being
show examples
 imported as a law in several countries,
while
 there are countless and unstoppable crimes
unobaying
Correct your spelling
obeying
 the law and selling of
drugs
 to civil. The reason why governments enforce the law is to not harm
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 population. The order can be adapted to
cigarettes
 as well since the structure of
cigarettes
 is
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as other
drugs
 in terms of the viewpoint that it
gives
Verb problem
has
show examples
 worse impacts on human health.
In addition
, smoking could be a cause of
fire
disaster
Fix the agreement mistake
disasters
show examples
 because it utilizes
fire
 to smoke. Of course, when it comes to electoric
cigars
 which
does
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do
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 not need
fire
,
this
 reason cannot reinforce the agreement as
reasonable
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reasonably
show examples
 as in
case
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the case
show examples
 of tobacco which needs
fire
. Yet, as long as there is
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 possibility to burn things
aroung
Correct your spelling
around
cigars
, it is hard to deny the rule banning
cigarettes
 in public places.
To sum up
, I significantly agree with the social norm to prohibit
civic
Correct article usage
the civic
show examples
 population from smoking in the community, and
this
 is because
cigars
 can be thought of as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same case of other banned
drugs
 which are harmful to humankind.
Moreover
, it contains the danger and possibility of
fire
 incidents and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
devastating trouble to lots of people around the smoker.
Submitted by yuritnaka1217 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat present, but there are instances of disorganization that affect the clarity of argumentation.
coherence cohesion
While there is a discernible introduction and conclusion, the opening fails to clearly paraphrase the question and outline the essay, and the conclusion seems rushed and does not effectively summarize the main points.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are somewhat supported by explanations, yet the essay would benefit from the inclusion of more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The response to the task is adequate but does not fully develop a clear position throughout the essay. The thesis statement could be clearer and the arguments should be more fully expanded to comprehensive ideas.
task achievement
The essay includes some relevant ideas, yet they need to be articulated more comprehensively. Refinement and expansion of these ideas can result in a more convincing argument.
task achievement
While there are attempts to use specific examples, they are not always relevant or fully illustrative of the point being made. Incorporating more pertinent and detailed examples can enhance the essay's persuasiveness.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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