IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

With a fast pace of modern life more and more people are turning towards fast food for their meals. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Due to
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 the fact of the development of technologies, many people apply fast snacks in their main dishes.The writer of
this
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 essay believes the pros of junk drinking outweigh the cons counterpart because of health problems and laziness.
To begin
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 with,affecting health may be one of the consequences that can appear.To be more specific, customers who consume convenient cuisine can easily become obese because making junk meals needs a variety of oils.
Additionally
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,in some restaurants, the oil after cooking can be reused which leads to cancer.
Moreover
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, fried oil can simulate cholesterol more
consequently
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 consumer's face can experience a number of acne.
For example
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,in the USA after the occurrence of fast meat, the obesity rate with cancer shot up to 15% considering the number of buyers overusing fast cooking and reusing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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oil.
Hence
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,junk feed can lead to a variety of strength issues.
On the other hand
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,laziness is one of the core reasons that make using fast meal become disadvantageous.To put it simply,many users abuse eating fast fare for the reason that they are lazy.
Furthermore
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,the overuse of fast bread can create a gap between family members with each other.The reason why is each member has their own world so if buyers consume too much convenient cooking they may immersed in the purchaser's world and not want to have time to interact with others.
For instance
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,in The UK where plenty of families are too lazy to cook and the solution that those families choose is to buy fast food.
Thus
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, using too much fast meals can accelerate apathy. In conclusion,the disadvantages are overpower the advantages.
Nevertheless
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,hiring a worker for cooking can reduce energy problems and save date.

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task achievement
The essay attempts to answer the prompt, but the main argument that the advantages of fast food outweigh the disadvantages is not clearly articulated. You should clearly state that you believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, as your arguments suggest. Clarify your stance in the thesis statement to avoid confusion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay can benefit from a clearer logical progression. Try to link your ideas more effectively using transitional phrases and sentences. This will improve the flow and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
Some points lack sufficient development. For instance, the health problems associated with fast food are mentioned, but the explanation is somewhat repetitive and lacks depth. Provide more detailed examples and explanations to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Watch out for grammatical errors and awkward phrases (e.g., 'junk drinking,' 'junk meat,' 'immersed in the purchaser's world'). Improving grammatical accuracy and using more natural expressions will enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to structure the response.
task achievement
You've included relevant examples to support your arguments (e.g., the obesity rate in the USA). This helps to make your points more convincing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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