IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In some countries, it is now illegal for employers to reject job applicants because of their age. Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #employers #job #applicants #age #development
It is now illegal to reject the job applications of some
people
due to
 their
age
.
This
 is a positive development because older individuals with a range
experience
Change preposition
of experience
show examples
 will have ample time to pass on their
knowlege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 and there will be a reduction in poverty within
this
age
 group. In recent times,
people
 with a vast body of experience will be able to teach others about their accumulated knowledge,
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 younger generation with minimal experience can collect
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 information and use newer ideas to improve
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it, causing
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a better progression in all sectors since these
knowlege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 is not lost.
For example
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a statement in 2015 mentioned that they have a preference for employing older
people
 with years of input to train their younger staff because
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
they are better
equiped
Correct your spelling
equipped
 to do
this
 job
although
 their methods of training
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 different, it has been found to be effective. The rate of poverty in older ones will be reduced.
This
 is because they will have ample opportunity to save for retirement and benefit from
this
 in older
age
.
Likewise
, it will give
better
Correct pronoun usage
them better
show examples
 opportunities to gain new ideas that
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 establish them later in their life. An instance of
this
 is the billionaire
chung
Change the capitalization
Chung
show examples
 wo, he was struggling to survive financially till the
age
 of 60
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 he had his major breakthrough and
becamae
Correct your spelling
became
become
 a billionaire.
To conclude
, the vast information known by
matured
Replace the word
mature
show examples
 persons can be shared for better use, and the rate of poverty in
people
among
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
age
 will be reduced as they still have opportunities to be successful in the co-operate world
Submitted by suleezekielo on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Overall, your essay presents a basic response to the prompt with a tendency towards generalisation rather than offering a robust argument or discussion. Detailed insights are lacking, and your examples lack specificity and depth, making it difficult for the essay to stand out.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of information in your essay is fairly basic, and there are areas where more sophisticated linking and paragraphing could enhance intelligibility. Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the sentences within it are well-connected to each other. This will make your argumentation stronger and more coherent.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: