IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
In the contemporary world
non
Rephrase
apply
show examples
spreading diseases become a
catastrophy
Correct your spelling
catastrophe
.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of produced food and beverages contain a considerable amount of
sugar
 which are directed to various
heath
Correct your spelling
health
show examples
 problem. Increasing the price of
sugar
contain
Wrong verb form
contained
show examples
products
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 the
consuption
Correct your spelling
consumption
 of
sugar
 items. I totally
agreed
Wrong verb form
agree
show examples
 with the given statement.
This
 essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 discuss what are the reasons to accept the statement
while
 providing evidence. On the one hand, diabetes is a major threat
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 current society.
Therefore
,
reduce
Fix the infinitive
to reduce
show examples
 the number of patients who are suffering from the said disease, it is essential to decrease the
sugar
consuption
Correct your spelling
consumption
.
For instance
,
due to
busy
Correct article usage
the busy
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
, people
persuade
Wrong verb form
are persuaded
show examples
 to consume fast food which contains high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
. To increase the price of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 particular item,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some countries
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 imposed a substantial amount of tax.
Accordingly
, consumers
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 sugary
products
 have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased drastically.
Further
, making
Add a hyphen
high-priced
show examples
high priced
Add a hyphen
high-priced
show examples
sugar
products
 directly leads to
reduce
Replace the word
a reduction
show examples
 the
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 which
Wrong verb form
provides
show examples
providing
Wrong verb form
provides
show examples
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
 to the community.
On the other hand
, sweet food and beverages create
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
 society.
For example
, obesity and
diabetis
Correct your spelling
diabetes
 are
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 one threats.
Hence
, people have to spend a considerable amount
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their medicine to keep their good health. If it is possible to decrease
consupition
Correct your spelling
consumption
 of the said. Sugary items, if be a reason to reduce their unnecessary expenses
while
improve
Change the verb form
improving
show examples
 the income which can be invested for
other purpose
Change the wording
another purpose
other purposes
show examples
. Owing to that scenario, there are direct and indirect
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be seen
reduction
Add an article
a reduction
the reduction
show examples
 of
sugar
consuption
Correct your spelling
consumption
.
To conclude
, raising the price level of
sugar contain
Correct your spelling
sugar-containing
show examples
products
,
make
Verb problem
gives
show examples
 several advantages to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Main
Correct article usage
The main
show examples
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
benefit
is
prevention
Add an article
the prevention
show examples
 of health
probles
Correct your spelling
problems
 as
mentioned-above
Correct your spelling
mentioned above
show examples
. I believe that expensive sweet
products
 spontaneously generate less
custome
Correct your spelling
customer
 base around
manufactures
Correct your spelling
manufacturers
show examples
.
Moreover
, it helps to make a cured world.
Submitted by shanikamaduri on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical flow in the structure of the essay, with clear progression between ideas. Use a range of linking words effectively to connect ideas across sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Include both an introduction and conclusion. Each should be clearly marked, with the introduction setting out the essay's topic and the conclusion summarizing the main points and restating the writer's viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points thoroughly with explanations or examples. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, supported by detailed information or illustrations.
task achievement
Ensure a full response to all parts of the task, presenting a clear opinion and discussing relevant ideas thoroughly. Avoid repetition and make sure each sentence contributes to the purpose of the paragraph.
task achievement
Ideas should be clearly presented and explained in depth, with comprehensive development throughout the essay. Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to articulate ideas clearly.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your arguments. Make sure the examples given are directly related to the points being made and contribute to the overall argument or explanation.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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