IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think it is responsibility of a parent to provide their children with discipline and teach them with right and wrong. Others think it is more important for parents to nourish their children and provide them with safe environment. What is your opinion ?

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It is thought that the responsibility of guardians
teach
Fix the infinitive
to teach
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 the
children
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 wrong
as well as
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 right not only
this
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,but discipline is
also
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 important to be taught.
However
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, others are inclined to think neither owing to feeding the
children
Use synonyms
 is very important than teaching them any sort of rules. In
this
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 essay,both views will be illustrated
in addition
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 to my opinion.
To begin
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 with, guardians play an essential role in teaching their
children
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 the basic rules.Obviously,because the
children
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 spend a great deal of time with their
parents
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.So as to the given reason, the roles of
parents
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 are very important.It is
also
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 interesting to note that the
children
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 will follow and obey the general regulations and guidelines If their
parents
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 teach them . To illustrate
this
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, in Japan,as a clear example, the number of youth frauds is in the minority on account of guardians who teach their
children
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 the disciplines. All of these make me believe that it is vital to provide
children
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 with well-educating backgrounds around rights and wrongs. Regarding nourishment, the
children
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 have to be fed in procedures to meet their bodies' needs.
While
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 it is not a complex procedure, a significant number of
children
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 struggle with some diseases owing to lack of nutrition like malnutrition and cleft.
According to
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 N.H.S. experts, a lot of
children
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 suffer from cleft diseases because they do not get enough ferric and vitamins.So as not to suffer from these drawbacks what the
parents
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 have to do is nourish their babies. In spite of all these justifications, it is not a complex procedure to pull off, If the child is hungry he will go to eat. What is more, all of the mentioned diseases are very rare to happen.
Therefore
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, I believe that nourishing the
children
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 is not as important as teaching them the basic disciples on account of the given justifications. In a nutshell, through the analysis of
this
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 topic, it is understandable that
although
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children
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's nutrition is vital, teaching them what is right and wrong has to be prioritized because of the aforementioned reasons.

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Coherence & Cohesion
You have provided an introduction and conclusion which is good. However, make sure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and your thesis statement, while the conclusion should neatly summarize your main points without introducing new information.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical structure in places. Develop paragraphs with clear topic sentences that relate to the main question, and ensure that every subsequent sentence within each paragraph supports that topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve supported main points, make sure each paragraph clearly relates back to the central argument of your essay. Use specific examples to support your claims, and ensure these examples are directly relevant to the topic.
Task Achievement
You attempted to cover the prompt, but your response was not always effectively developed. Your essay sometimes strays from the central topic, and some arguments are not fully fleshed out.
Task Achievement
Strive for clear and comprehensive presentation of ideas. Your writing should be easily understood on the first read, without confusion or ambiguity. Use paragraphing to your advantage to structure your thoughts.
Task Achievement
The use of specific examples is weak. Incorporate more detailed and relevant examples to support your arguments and make sure they directly relate to the issues being discussed.
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