IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In modern times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occured? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

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Nowadays, teenagers
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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spend
a
Correct article usage
apply
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most of their
time
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 with peers and less
time
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 with their
families
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.
This
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 happens because of a lack of communication between
parents
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 and their teenage
children
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.
Instead
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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forcing them to spend more
time
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 at home with the family,
parents
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 should be truly interested in their kids,
moreover
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, they should try to speak more with them about their problems and concerns. Unfortunately, these days, a majority of modern
parents
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 limit themselves to providing for their
children
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 basic necessities,
such
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 as
a food
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food
a portion of food
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 and clothes, and do not pay attention to communication with them. Most adults spend an essential part of the day at work,
moreover
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, frequently they have to work overtime on the weekend.
For
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this
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 reason, it leaves them a few free hours during the day. Commonly, working people are so exhausted that their free
time
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 is spent on relaxing activities,
such
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 as watching TV or surfing the internet,
instead
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 of spending it with family. Because of
this
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, the majority of
parents
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 have little interaction with their kids.
For example
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, many
families
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 in Kazakhstan spend their free evening hours or weekends separately, mostly watching their smartphones.
Moreover
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, more than half of them do not even have dinner together. Today, when our
children
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 are influenced by lots of negative impacts, fathers and mothers should be keenly interested in their kids` lives. Hectic lifestyles force adults to always worry about their own issues, which they have to overcome every single day.
Therefore
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, they forget that their
children
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 have
same
Correct article usage
the same
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 problems as well. So
then
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, when teenagers don`t see support from their
parents
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, they begin to seek it from other places.
For instance
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,
families
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 where
parents
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 interact a lot with their
children
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 have closer relationships than
families
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 that do not.
Furthermore
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,
children
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 grow up in
families
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 where they feel supported, become more self-confident,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 helps them to overcome
the
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apply
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obstacles in the future. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account, I would argue that despite the fact that adults are overloaded by their job and
have
Add a missing verb
do have
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 not enough
time
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, they should
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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focus on communication with their
children
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, because it is essential in
relationship
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the relationship
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 between
parents
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 and
children
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.

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task response
The essay addresses the topic, but the ideas are not fully developed. You should aim to expand on your points with deeper insight and analysis to fully satisfy the task response criterion.
coherence cohesion
There is an evident attempt to organize the essay; however, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. You should work on using a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively to enhance the logical flow of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • independence
  • establish
  • identity
  • influence
  • social media
  • digital communication
  • commitments
  • pressure
  • academic
  • profession
  • prioritize
  • cultural shifts
  • societal shifts
  • peer relationships
  • emotional support
  • guidance
  • voluntary
  • autonomy
  • balance
  • resilient
  • overbearing
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