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Band 4.5

Some people today believe that the world's increase in population is unsustainable and will eventually lead to a global crisis. Other people believe that the world population increase is necessary and beneficial as it creates growth of the world's economy and society. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #world #population #crisis #growth #economy #society
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The human desire to procreate has been an ongoing notion for centuries. People long to become parents to continue the family name or to love someone beyond themselves. It has become a debate on whether it is economically feasible for the human
population
 to
increase
 as time progresses. Some believe that it is not feasible and will inevitably lead to financial instability. Others find that an
increase
 in
population
 comes with its benefits that will lead to the success of humanity. Children are seen as the future
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 society that will create change in a world
that is
 depleting. They are seen as the beacon of hope for a new, developed and technologically advanced society. Arguably, it is the youth that
drive
Change the verb form
drives
show examples
 a country's economy. It starts off when they are newborns. When a
child
 is born they require a great amount of necessities that need to be paid for.
This
 includes food, nappies, clothing, and much more. When
mothers
 obtain these necessities, not only do they pay the value added
that is
 included
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 the price which goes to the
government
 and grants them the opportunity to better the country, but the
mothers
 are supporting the
businesses
 which
enables
Change the verb form
enable
show examples
 them to expand, stretch or grow so that they can
increase
 their the amount of workers needed which may
further
 decrease the unemployment rate in the county. Imagine about 64 million South Africans increasing the
population
. With the newborn to 10 years spectrum alone, More money will be placed in the hands of the
government
 to fix health care locations, public schools and roads
as well as
 provide for the elderly and students who need financial aid(National Student Financial Aid Scheme). When looking at it from
this
 perspective, it is clear to see why the
population
increase
 is beneficial from an economic perspective. With all
this
 information in mind, I believe that an
increase
 in
population
 can be a beneficial aspect
for
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of
show examples
 the country’s social and economic development. The individual happiness that comes with having a
child
 is one that cannot be described by anyone. It is said that to be loved by your
child
 is love that cannot be compared to anything else. The social benefits
by
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of
show examples
 creating a community, whether it be a nursery, mommy and me classes or any other gathering, people who have children are able to
ban
Correct your spelling
band
show examples
 together and share experiences
in
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apply
show examples
making their journey a little easier.
This
 community is one that may help with
non
Add a hyphen
non-government
show examples
government
 organisations
such
 as charities because the
mothers
 understand
first hand
Correct your spelling
first-hand
show examples
 how difficult it is to raise a
child
 and would want to help out as best as they can. It aids
mothers
 who are in desperate need of help and who don't want to partake in crime. The economic benefits that come with an increased
population
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 one that can potentially change the economic stance that the county is currency in. These parents would be helping the
businesses
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 which they are buying
from
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apply
show examples
but
also
 indirectly helping the
government
 in aiding the county. Every parent wants to take care of their
child
 by giving them the necessary nutrients.
This
 can be seen through locally
self made
Add a hyphen
self-made
show examples
businesses
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 do not partake in mass production and make sure that their baby products are
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 best in line. As parents take part in helping these local
businesses
, they
then
 will be able to create change in the economic market and
further
 inspire other people to take the leap of faith and become an entrepreneur.
Submitted by tshenkengm on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly presents a central topic and that the ideas within the paragraph flow in a logical and organized manner. Avoid abrupt transitions and provide linking words to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion of your essay are present, but they could be strengthened with a clearer thesis statement and a more definitive summary of your points, respectively.
coherence cohesion
While you have supported your main points with some examples, they could be further strengthened with specific, detailed evidence and explanations that are clearly relevant to the task at hand.
task achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. Introduce, develop, and conclude your ideas about both viewpoints as well as your own opinion to provide a complete and well-rounded essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are in general clear and comprehensive, but there is room for improvement in making sure that every point made is both fully developed and directly relevant to the topic at hand.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is good, but try to ensure that each example is directly tied to your argument and clearly supports the point you are making. Avoid lengthy anecdotes that dilute the impact of your examples.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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