IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the fast-paced society currently, individuals are often struggling with their daily work and study life, and the concept of
healthy
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a healthy
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 lifestyle has been lost gradually from individuals’
mind
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minds
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.
Children
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 are not exceptions, an increasing number of diabetes among
children
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 indicates the severity of the general health
issue
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. Arguments appear on whether
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government
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the government
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 should take responsibility for the overweight
issue
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 of
children
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. Personally, I, partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint. It is undeniable that
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government
Correct article usage
the government
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 can establish several policies to alleviate
this
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issue
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.
Children
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 haven’t developed a critical and mature mindset yet, so they would be misled by some exaggerated advertisement.
For example
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, advertisements for fried foods assert that their foods have less energy which is usually not reliable.
Nevertheless
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, kids do not have enough experience or knowledge to help them come out with a correct judgement. In
this
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 case,
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government
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the government
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 can formulate policies to restrict publishments and advertisements that are not credible.
In addition
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, with globalization, individuals can get in touch with diverse cuisines or diets from all over the world, including fast
food
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 in KFC or McDonald's that are always considered
as
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apply
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junk
food
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 because of their lack of nutrition and high energy.
Hence
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,
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government
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the government
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 can set a higher tax for those so-called junk
food
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 companies and allow some subsidy for healthy
food
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such
Linking Words
 as vegetables and fruits to encourage
children
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 to develop a balanced diet.
However
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,
this
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 does not automatically mean that only efforts by
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government
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the government
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 can deal with the problem. In order to holistically solve
this
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 problem, actions from schools and families should
also
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 be taken into account. Students especially high school students have to handle a very high pressure of study and a heavy curriculum because they have to improve their grades to meet the universities’ criteria. Involving physical education scores would be vital to reverse
this
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 trend, encouraging students to have more exercise. At the same time, the dangers of junk
food
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 can be imparted from schools and parents to their kids, after
children
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 have a clear recognition, they establish an insightful mindset to identify which kind of
food
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 would be healthy to consume. In conclusion, the
government
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 is indeed an essential part,
however
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, factors inside and outside the school should
also
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 be taken into account to comprehensively settle a matter
to
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of
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 the overweight
issue
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 among
children
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.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay needs a stronger logical structure to ensure that ideas flow naturally from one to the next. Creating an outline before writing can help improve organization.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion of your essay are present but could be made stronger by explicitly stating your main argument in the introduction and summarizing the key points effectively in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that main points are fully supported by developing each idea thoroughly before moving on to the next. This can be achieved by expanding on examples and providing clear evidence for each point made.
Task Achievement
For a complete response to the task, make sure to address all parts of the prompt throughout your essay. Adding a clear opinion statement in the introduction will set the tone for the rest of the essay.
Task Achievement
It's crucial to develop your ideas comprehensively. Each paragraph should singularly focus on one main idea and explore it in depth. Avoid introducing new ideas without fully explaining the previous ones.
Task Achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to support your ideas. While your essay includes examples, there is room for making them more detailed and directly tied to the argument you're making.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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