IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people consider computers to be more of a hindrance than a help. Others believe that they have greatly increased human potential. How could computers be considered a hindrance?

#people #computers #hindrance #help
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is easy to understand why some people believe that
computers
Use synonyms
 are more of a hindrance than a help. Operations
such
Linking Words
 as obtaining a refund or changing a ticket tend to be fairly straightforward without the aid of a computer, yet once one is involved, the process can become time-consuming, complex and prone to errors. In an office environment, it can sometimes seem that for every hour saved by
computers
Use synonyms
, at least
set
Correct article usage
a set
show examples
 of problems caused by a system malfunction. Another consideration is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 over-enthusiastic use of
computers
Use synonyms
 in the home has the potential to divert large amounts of free time away from activities
such
Linking Words
 as socialising, tasking exercise or having dinner with your family. Spending a lot of leisure time looking at a computer monitor
screencould
Correct your spelling
screen could
screen-could
 perhaps
achieving
Wrong verb form
achieve
show examples
 other goals in life,
such
Linking Words
 as being healthy and socially integrated.
However
Linking Words
, it would be simplistic to assert that
computers
Use synonyms
 have a generally negative impact. There have been enormous
advences
Correct your spelling
advances
 in communications, medicine, design, education and numerous fields of human endeavour. Nowadays, virtually the entire sum of human knowledge is as far away as the nearest internet point.
Computers
Use synonyms
 have brought about a profound change in the way most people in the developed world live. (
Although
Linking Words
 it should not be forgotten that the majority of the inhabitants of
this
Linking Words
 planet have never so much as touched a computer keyboard.) The benefits of
computers
Use synonyms
 undoubtedly outweigh the
disadventages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
. The question is not
whethercomputers
Correct your spelling
whether computers
 help or hinder, but whether people always use their huge potential in a sensible and responsible way
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay addresses the topic, but the argument could be more balanced by discussing how computers can be both a help and a hindrance in more depth. Additionally, specific examples demonstrating computers as a hindrance are lacking, and this would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear general structure but lacks a dedicated conclusion that summarises the arguments presented. Introductions and conclusions are essential in framing the essay and providing closure to your ideas.
coherence cohesion
While there is an attempt to support the main points, the supporting details are not fully developed. A more effective essay would include specific, detailed examples to back up claims. By doing this, the essay would not only be more persuasive but it would also demonstrate an ability to critically analyze the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: