IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Are playing games more effective or harmful to children?

#games #children
Some people believe that playing
games
 has
a negative effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a negative effect
negative effects
show examples
 on children
whereas
 others consider it has some effective sides on their study and health at the same time. In my view, there are more drawbacks of allowing
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to play
games
 completely. One of the biggest
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why I
am disagree
Change the verb form
disagree
show examples
 with
this
 idea is that game addiction. Nowadays not only children,
even
Correct word choice
but even
show examples
 older people and adults
addicted
Add a missing verb
are addicted
show examples
 to playing video
games
.
Due to
 the addiction to virtual life, most of our young generation is facing several psychological and physical diseases
such
 as depression, anxiety, eye strain and obesity.These
all
Add a missing verb
are all
show examples
 included in recent research into video game addiction. It is clear, nowadays most
of
Change preposition
apply
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youngsters play online
games
 over than enough even at
nights
Fix the agreement mistake
night
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. Because of their
habit
Add a comma
habit,
show examples
 they forget to eat something,
taking
Wrong verb form
take
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 any
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 activities and
interacting
Wrong verb form
interact
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 with someone in
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 or life. In the end,
this
 young generation
suffer
Change the verb form
suffers
show examples
 from obesity, near-sightedness and cataract.
However
, there are many references to
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 of
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
such
 as puzzles, fantasy and adventurous
games
.
Firstly
, puzzle and fantasy
games
 are the kind of
games
 that force
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to think creatively. As an
example
Add a comma
example,
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 we can take Minecraft which is widely played throughout the world. In
this
game
Add a comma
game,
show examples
 children build their fantasy world and buildings with their own character and it
demand
Change the verb form
demands
show examples
 creativity. By creating their virtual world and solving many puzzles, they strengthen their cognitive ability.
Secondly
, adventurous
games
 are offered even by doctors to some patients who has strong cognitive illnesses, By playing these type of
games
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people may spend their time joyful and full of energy until they recover totally.
To sum up
,
while
 the good sides of playing
games
 increasing year by year, I do not believe that benefits can overcome the drawbacks.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, they could be more clearly developed to present the topic and summarize the main points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay could be refined by making better use of linking words and clear paragraphing to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are supported with more specific examples and explanations to fully address the task and strengthen the argument.
task achievement
For task achievement, aim to directly address the question throughout your essay by providing a more balanced argument and ensuring that both sides of the topic are explored thoroughly.
task achievement
When developing your ideas, strive to be clear and comprehensive, with a focus on relevance to the question, and avoid going off on tangents or being too generic.
task achievement
Incorporate a wider range of relevant, specific examples to illustrate your points, which will help to meet the task requirements more effectively and demonstrate a better understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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