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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much. Do you agree or disagree? What other types of job should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #e #g #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #job
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Individuals believe that
artists
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as singers, actors, actresses, and athletes have the biggest salary today.
However
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, there are several
occupations
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 that should pay higher than them
such
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 as teacher. Particularly, teachers have a big responsibility to create good talents in the future.
Firstly
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, celebrities have a huge number of salaries because of their talent and skill. They are talented in acting and many other activities so these aspects are the most important things why
entertainers
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 are paying high. Sometimes, there are several
artists
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 who are involved in their money for funding and charity.
However
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, paying too much can be a boomerang for them because
entertainers
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 are becoming greedy and depressed. Sometimes,
artists
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 are shocked by the huge amount of payment that they have gotten from their films, songs, or theatres.
As a result
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, they just buy whatever they want,
for example
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, expensive clothes, branded bags, supercars, and many more. Obviously, they should pay higher taxes than many other
occupations
Use synonyms
 so
entertainers
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 always harder to save any wages.
Finally
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,
this
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 condition can make them miserable, sometimes, they are not worried about ending their life.
On the contrary
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, there are
occupations
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 which have to get much more than the
entertainers
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 because of their kindness and contributions.
For example
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, teaching is one of the most underrated
occupations
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 in my country because they just get a little money. It can be shown from the data in my country that they are only paid below average in Indonesia, approximately 30 dollars a month.
However
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, their services are much more valuable for creating good talents in the future. They are not only creating talents but
also
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 giving life to other humans. To summarize, I totally agree with the statement because
artists
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 who are paid too much, sometimes, cannot manage their money and become depressed. I believe that other
occupations
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, like teacher, can be paid more because of their contributions, responsibilities, and hard work.
Submitted by irhamtaufiqurrahman on

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Task Achievement
The essay partially addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response, but the argument is not fully developed and lacks depth. In order to improve the task fulfillment, consider expanding on the ideas, providing more nuanced arguments, and addressing both sides of the argument more thoroughly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical progression of ideas is evident but not always smooth, with some ideas appearing disjointedly. To achieve better coherence and cohesion, make use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more naturally. The transitions between different points should be smoother, thereby improving the logical flow of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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