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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that schools should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #schools #reward #students #show #results #improvements
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School is a place to learn and gain knowledge that will be useful in life. Some
students
Use synonyms
 might be intellectually better than others,
therefore
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 they will show better academic
results
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 and people think that we should appreciate the
students
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 more.
On the other hand
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, some
students
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 might not start academically good, but show
results
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 through improvement over time and people think we should appreciate the
students
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 more.
This
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 essay will elaborate on these opinions, and in my opinion,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should appreciate not only high achievers
students
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 but any
students
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 who show curiosity and the willingness to learn regardless of the result. The academic result is the outcome of many things.
Students
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 could achieve a better outcome because of various things not only their effort, but
also
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 by external factors
such
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 as family background, environment, facilities, and privileges that the student
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
. Some people think that
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should give them rewards.
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
, I believe that schools have already
gave
Change the verb form
given
show examples
 appreciation and gifts to the
students
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 who achieved higher ranks among their
peer
Fix the agreement mistake
peers
show examples
. Meanwhile, some
students
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 might not have some privileges at the beginning. They may not have
tutor
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tutors
show examples
 at home and did not have any facilities at home and the outcome is lower academic
results
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. Over time, they began to learn and improve because of their interest in the subject. I believe
students
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 who genuinely learn because of curiosity will make better use of the knowledge later in life and teachers did not acknowledge
this
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 kind of student. Schools did not give them rewards
due to
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 the average
results
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 and
therefore
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 I think teachers should appreciate them more. In conclusion, rewarding and appreciating
students
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 with the best academic
results
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 are good but it would be better to
also
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 give rewards to the
students
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whose
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 improve themselves over time even though with average
results
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.
Submitted by sirendendeago on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay contains an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, it could be improved with clearer transitions and a more logical flow of ideas. Your points sometimes appear abruptly and without clear connection to the previous or following statements.
task achievement
Your ideas lack clear development through relevant examples; the essay includes several general statements that could be substantiated with specific illustrations. Providing concrete examples and deeper analysis related to the prompt would enhance your essay's impact.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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