In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Child obesity is becoming a common concern in most areas of the world. It is often argued that in most nations
children
are consuming unhygienic foods which is the leading cause of being overweight.
However
, some believe that to limit
this
issue the ministry should take strict steps to limit the growing challenge. In my opinion, it does not only depend on the
government
but
parents
also
play a crucial role.
Therefore
I disagree with
this
statement, that the regime is only responsible.
Firstly
the ratio of overweight
children
is increasing daily,
for example
in most of the western countries people are known to consume a lot of junk
food
daily,
this
is one of the main causative factors.
Therefore
, tackling
such
a problem is not only dependent on the
government
even though the
government
is responsible for limiting the use of
such
food
by banning some products that are not good for
children
's nourishment.
On the other hand
,
parents
have a great influence on
children
's
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
. They do
however
on most occasions know what is best for them and what must be forbidden to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It has been seen that mothers and fathers do not choose the most appropriate
food
for their young ones. They usually prefer to buy
food
that their
children
like without considering their nutritional value.
Consequently
, it shows that
parents
have a direct impact on kids' development. They are the only ones who can encourage their
children
to have
food
full of nutrients. In conclusion,
although
the
government
's authority is important to limit
this
condition
parents
are
also
responsible for controlling
this
situation. I strongly believe that
parents
have a great impact and should be responsible for taking strict measures regarding their
children
's diet.
Submitted by aimenmalik2021 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear overall structure, but transitions between ideas need improvement. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and clear topic sentences to better guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed the main topic but your position is not consistently clear throughout the essay. Maintain a clear stance in every paragraph and fully develop your arguments to cover all aspects of the prompt.

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