IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Playing computer games is bad for children whereas others say that it has positive effects. Discuss both sides

#computer #games #children #effects
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In
this
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 digital age, computers play an important role in terms of fulfilling human needs even entertainment
such
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 as
games
Use synonyms
.
While
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 some people believe that playing computer
games
Use synonyms
 has a detrimental effect on
children
Use synonyms
, I am with those who argue that computer
games
Use synonyms
 provide positive effects on young people. First and foremost, computer
games
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 make the cognitive ability of
children
Use synonyms
 increase.
This
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 is because there is a plethora of
games
Use synonyms
 that help
children
Use synonyms
 in shaping their brains.
For instance
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 puzzle and chess
games
Use synonyms
.
Second,
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it gives pleasure in their spare time as a gift for them to complete their homework
for instance
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.
Children
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 who are given a reward
such
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 as playing
games
Use synonyms
 after finishing their homework seem more confident and energic when they back to school.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your introduction briefly covers the task, but it lacks a clear thesis statement presenting a position of the argument. Consider including a more precise thesis statement that outlines your viewpoint and the structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, while the ideas follow a logical order, the essay could benefit from a better range of linking words and clearer paragraphing. The structure of the essay should flow from one idea to the next more seamlessly. The absence of a conclusion leaves the argument unresolved, which should be addressed.
task achievement
Expand on the presented arguments by including more detailed examples and explanations. Explore both sides of the argument in more depth, providing specific instances or studies where computer games have had both positive and negative effects.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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