There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In the contemporary era, more and more young people have been under pressure, in order to academic knowledge have been improved. It would seem that
,
other Remove the comma
apply
subject
as physical training Fix the agreement mistake
subjects such
as well as
sewing or cookery do not have to exist in modern schools. Linking Words
However
, the Linking Words
abscence
of Correct your spelling
absence
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
subjects
can Use synonyms
make
Verb problem
have
harmfull
effects on the Correct your spelling
harmful
youth's
population.
First and foremost, there is no shadow of a doubt that, in the Change noun form
youth
mdern
era there are no meaningless Correct your spelling
modern
subject
. Gymnastics or the knowledge of making food are absolutely necessary for children. Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
Moreover
, a lack of physical Linking Words
exercises
provides many pathological conditions, Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
such
as obesity and high blood pressure, even Linking Words
between
peers. Evidently, many young people are not interested in academic Change preposition
among
subjects
and if basic Use synonyms
knowldge
had not been included in their study plan, the best painters or cooks would not have been born.
Having said that, study plans and Correct your spelling
knowledge
extracurriculum
activities have to be to be appraised by the government. Correct your spelling
extra curriculum
extra-curriculum
extracurricular
In other words
, it is necessary to calculate in which spheres of life there Linking Words
are
a lack of specialists. It would be better to train Change the verb form
is
labour
force or Correct article usage
the labour
IT-specialists
in Correct your spelling
IT specialists
Correct pronoun usage
their own's
own's
countryChange noun form
own
,
than Remove the comma
apply
take
immigrants abroad. To be more precise, periodical Fix the infinitive
to take
migrant's
riots in France are a good example.
In conclusion, modern science Change noun form
migrant
do
not include useless Change the verb form
does
subjects
Use synonyms
on
children's education Change preposition
in
due to
Linking Words
researches
, which Fix the agreement mistake
research
are
implemented constantly on a different basis. It is only needed to take a more direct approach in each particular situation. The Correct subject-verb agreement
is
ballance
between Correct your spelling
balance
academical
Replace the word
academic
subjects
Use synonyms
along with
Linking Words
extracurriculum
activities should be found.Correct your spelling
extra curriculum
extra-curriculum
extracurricular
Submitted by roker123456 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Introduction and Conclusion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion that explicitly address the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement provided. A stronger thesis and summarizing conclusion are needed.
Logical Structure and Cohesion
Ideas are somewhat disconnected and the essay does not flow smoothly from one point to the next. Use of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences would help to link ideas and paragraphs together more effectively.
Main Point Support
The main points are not fully supported with relevant examples or explanations. Providing specific instances or further elaboration would strengthen the argument and support your main points.
Task Completion
The response to the task is incomplete. The essay does not fully address the question of removing non-academic subjects from the school curriculum, nor does it clearly explain the reasoning for the level of agreement or disagreement.
Idea Development and Clarity
The ideas presented are neither clear nor comprehensive. To enhance clarity, use precise language and well-structured sentences. Ensure ideas are fully developed and clearly express your viewpoints to match the requirements of the task.
Relevance and Use of Examples
The essay lacks specific examples to illustrate the points made. Including clear and relevant examples would help to strengthen the argument and demonstrate a fuller understanding of the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.