IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Young people often copy the behaviour of famous people, so celebrities should only be allowed to advertise healthy food or drink and should not encourage unhealthy habits such as smoking. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #copy #behaviour #celebrities #food #drink #habits
Recently,
celebrities
 are often seen as
role
 models to young people.
Therefore
, I strongly agree with the idea that
celebrities
 should be restricted on the food or drinks they advertise
due to
 their influence on
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 generation. Nowadays,
celebrities
 are seen as
role
 models for most younger generation. There are high chance that young people imitate the behavior of their idols. They develop likeness in what they see
celebrities
 doing
due to
 their likeness for those
celebrities
. Which include the way they dress, speak, food or drinks they see them consuming. So, seeing them representing a brand can make them believe the brands are the best.
For instance
, a friend of mine who is
also
 a musician started smoking because he believes that weed gives inspiration as shown by his
role
 model which is Lyn Wayne. He believes the secret behind Lyn
Wayne
Change noun form
Wayne's
show examples
inspiration is smoking marijuana.
Therefore
, for him to get
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 inspiration as his
role
 model, he decides to do what he believes his
role
 model does to get to the level he attains, which is a false representation of his talent. Most times followers or fans of
celebrity
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrities
show examples
 believe that what they see them doing on social media or in public is what makes them who they are or what got them to the position they are. In conclusion, there should be some amount of control on what
celebrities
 can do in public and and products they can advertise. Especially products that are dangerous to our health
such
 as alcohol and smoking
due to
 the magnitude of their influence on younger generations.
Submitted by bonuhelen on

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coherence cohesion
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • endorsement
  • influence
  • lifestyle
  • consciousness
  • social responsibility
  • regulation
  • liberty
  • supply and demand
  • unintended consequences
  • critical thinking
  • brand image
  • nutrition
  • public figure
  • health advocacy
  • restrictions
  • moderation
  • consumer behavior
  • market forces
  • ethical advertising
  • personal brand
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