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Band 4

Many elderly people are no longer after by their families but are put in care homes or nursing home. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?

#people #families #care #homes #home #trend
The population of human beings in the world is growing rapidly, but still, around 40% of it is dominated by groups of elderly
people
. there is a huge distinguishment between the culture of how the young generation treats elderly
people
 in Asia and America. In Asia, usually, elderly
people
 are being taken care of by their
children
. So they live in one of their
children
's houses. But
this
 doesn't happen in America. In America, when we reach the age of 17, we are allowed to leave the house and live independently. we are able to work
while
 being college
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 as the government allows the permission of
people
 at the minimum age of 17 to work. we
coud
Correct your spelling
could
for example
 be a freelancer in a newspaper agency or we could be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
part-time
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 in a supermarket.
while
 we are doing
this
, our parents are
also
 growing older and of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
 they have to choose between having a permanent nurse in the house
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or moving to a nursing
home
. it is beneficial if elderly
people
 decide to have a permanent nurse. they will still be living in their own building, doing things that they are interested in, and their
children
 will still be visiting them regularly. but, we must be extra careful in choosing the right nurse, as nowadays
people
 tend to fool us as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
's
caretaker
Fix the agreement mistake
caretakers
show examples
 but they steal all the belongings of their employer.
this
 is
what
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 a nursing
home
fill
Correct subject-verb agreement
fills
show examples
 the blank spot. when we
finally
 decide which nursing
home
 is the best, they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 guarantee that their nurses,
their
Correct word choice
and their
show examples
 services, are all undoubtable. but speaking about a moment, elderly
people
 will slowly lose their moment because they will
live
Correct your spelling
leave
show examples
 their building, their
children
 could still visit but their time will be limited, and they will be placed
together with
 other elderly
people
,
whom
Change preposition
with whom
show examples
 they
don't
Verb problem
aren't
show examples
 familiar
before
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
overall
, the
choise
Correct your spelling
choice
 between putting elderly parents
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
home
Add an article
the home
show examples
 and taking them to a nursing
home
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 advantages and disadvantages on its own, given back to
how
Correct word choice
what
show examples
 they really want,
how
Correct word choice
what
show examples
 they really need, and how they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 afford it.
Submitted by semangatbanget.s2 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a coherent structure, which makes it difficult to follow your argument. It is essential to have a clear introduction outlining the topic, followed by well-organized paragraphs, each presenting a central idea supported by examples or explanations, and a concluding paragraph to summarize your points.
task achievement
The essay fails to address the task adequately. The question asks for the advantages and disadvantages of elderly people living in care homes versus with their families. While you do mention some aspects of both situations, you need to explicitly state and elaborate on specific advantages and disadvantages. Furthermore, reference to a specific culture (American) without contrasting it to another diminishes the comprehensiveness of the response. The inclusion of personal pronouns ('we') is inappropriate for academic essay writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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