IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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The chart illustrates the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of Australian
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in different
age
Use synonyms
 categories who did
regular
Add an article
a regular
the regular
show examples
 physical activity in 2010,
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is measured in
percentage
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the data shows that women in
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
category
Use synonyms
 25 to 34 until 65 and over have a higher
percentage
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 than men in doing regular exercise, except for
Use synonyms
Correct determiner usage
those age
show examples
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
category
Use synonyms
 15 to 24
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 are more active than female.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the male
age
Use synonyms
category
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 the most active is between the
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 of 15 to 24 with over 50%. Australian men
age
Use synonyms
 categories 35 to 44 have the lowest
percentage
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 standing at below 40%.
In addition
Linking Words
, men and women
that
Linking Words
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 in the
age
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 group of 65 and over almost have the same
percentage
Use synonyms
 approximately 46%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
female
Add an article
the female
a female
show examples
category
Use synonyms
 is quite different because the most active
age
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 group is 45 to 54 with over 50%.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
age
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 group 35 to 44 and 55 to 64 is around the same level. The least active
age
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category
Use synonyms
 is women aged between 65 and over.
Submitted by jedidia.husodo on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "that is".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, age, category with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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