IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie chart show the trends in the Australian immigration from 1992 to 2002.

The pie chart show the trends in the Australian immigration from 1992 to 2002.
The pie diagrams demonstrate the shifts in immigrating to
Australia
Use synonyms
 between 1992 and 2002.
Overall
Linking Words
, people from 9
continents
Use synonyms
 moved
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
. In both reported years, there were 3 major
continents
Use synonyms
 that had the
most
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
. There were 2
continents
Use synonyms
 that remained unchanged. In 1992, it was obvious that the majority of the
immigrants
Use synonyms
 were from 3 main
continents
Use synonyms
: Europe & former USSR accounted for 24%, Southeast Asia accounted for 21%, and Northeast Asia accounted for 20%.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, in 2002, the proportion of these
continents
Use synonyms
 in immigration in
Australia
Use synonyms
 decreased. Meanwhile, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of North America and
Middle
Correct article usage
the Middle
show examples
 East & North Africa
remain
Change the verb form
remains
show examples
 the same at respectively 2 per
cent
Use synonyms
 and 7 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the share of African
immigrants
Use synonyms
 was 3% in the first reported year, and it increased to 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in 2002.
Similarly
Linking Words
, Oceanian
immigrants
Use synonyms
 accounted for 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of the total
immigrants
Use synonyms
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
 in 1992;
however
Linking Words
, it rocketed to 22 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in the
last
Linking Words
 reported year. In summary, the drop
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of 3 main
continents
Use synonyms
 in
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
1992 was mostly posed by the increase in
Use synonyms
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
show examples
 of
Oceanian
Fix the agreement mistake
Oceanians
show examples
 who immigrated to
Australia
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words australia, continents, percentage, immigrants, cent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: