Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification.

There are debates on
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
course selection for university students in terms of their necessity.
While
others might think it is essential to focus on mandatory subjects that are beneficial in their future career, I believe that
people
should take additional courses, since
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
can expand their
knowledge
as well as
skills
.  Devoting time and energy to
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
essential subjects for work preparation can easily make
people
have a successful career path in their workplace. For some
people
, being a smart person
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
exceed
Change the verb form
exceeds
show examples
the qualifications
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
the company,
consequently
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
them to step
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
next level. Take an illustration of someone who has
mastering
Wrong verb form
mastered
show examples
knowledge
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
programming and decoding
programmes
Correct your spelling
programs
show examples
that are required
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
the company. When they become
employee
Add an article
an employee
show examples
in that place, they certainly will be recognizable by many
people
and have a likelihood to be involved in many projects,
thus
resulting in a quick promotion.
However
, I think studying only for qualifications will
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
limit the students’ opportunity to nourish themselves with other
knowledge
as it might be useful too during their work period. 
On the other hand
, additional subjects
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
roles in not only constructing new
knowledge
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
certain
skills
. Generally, when
people
are enrolling themselves into optional courses, they are generating new abilities that will subliminally improve their soft and hard
skills
area,
hence
consequently
adding
values
Fix the agreement mistake
value
show examples
to their personal branding.
Furthemore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, different areas
also
help students to be more adaptable, once their paths are not going as they expected or calculated
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
since they
already
Add a missing verb
are already
show examples
equipped with
back-up
Correct your spelling
backup
show examples
skills
. I support
this
view because apart from adding information to enrich
knowledge
, learning should be media to improve students’ abilities
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
areas
Change preposition
of areas
show examples
and circumstances. 
To conclude
, studying to fulfill certain qualifications in
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
might help students to achieve an excellent career path, but learning different areas
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
more crucial to build
another
Replace the adjective
another skill
other skills
show examples
skills
for them.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
When addressing the topic, it's crucial to ensure that each paragraph presents a clear topic sentence and follows with supporting details that stay relevant. Consider refining support examples in each paragraph for a more robust argument. Although you provided examples, make them more specific to the point you are making to add weight to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a good logical flow with an introduction and conclusion. To enhance coherence, make sure you clearly introduce your main points in the introduction and refer back to them in the conclusion to strengthen the overall structure. Work on the transitions between ideas and paragraphs so they knit together more seamlessly. Also, consider varying your linking words and phrases to demonstrate a wide range of coherence tools.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Broaden
  • Perspectives
  • Specialize
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Career success
  • Interdisciplinary connections
  • Structured path
  • Clear goals
  • Creativity
  • Innovation
  • Academic credibility
  • Recognition
  • Balance
  • Exploring
What to do next:
Look at other essays: