IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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It is argued by
myriad
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a myriad
the myriad
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 of
people
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 that
sugar
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-based food
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product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
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 should be made more expensive. It will cut down
consumption
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 of
these
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this product
these products
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product
Use synonyms
 and results in better
health
Use synonyms
 condition for
people
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. It is known to all that
consumption
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 of more
sugar
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-based
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product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
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 leads to diabetes and poor resistance power among human beings. I believe sugary
product
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 prices should be hiked so that their
consumption
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 will drop and
results
Correct subject-verb agreement
result
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 in
healthier
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a healthier
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 population. On the one hand, sugary
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products
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product
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consumption
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 is riskier to human
health
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.
Disease
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Diseases
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 like diabetes and poor resistance are common
example
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examples
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 of poor
health
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condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
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 in human beings.
Furthermotre
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, Food
products
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 like beverages
such
Linking Words
 coco
cola
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Coca-Cola
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,
Pepsi
Correct word choice
and Pepsi
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 contain high
sugar
Use synonyms
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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.
For example
Linking Words
,
sugar
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-based food like sweets and juices should be priced more across the globe to make sure
sugar
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consumption
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 gets dwindling. Carbonated drinks and sweets should be taxed more just like
cigrates
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
migrates
 to control the demand for
sugar
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-based
products
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, sugary
product
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consumption
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 leads to poor
resistant
Replace the word
resistance
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 in humans.
As
Correct word choice
Consumption
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consumption
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 of
sugar
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 affects
Correct article usage
the pancreases
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pancreases
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pancreas
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 and increases the level of
sugar
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 in
body
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the body
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. It results in feeble resistance power for humans.
Moreover
Linking Words
, most
people
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 suffer from motion sickness, poor stamina, and tiredness from
sugar
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consumption
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.
For example
Linking Words
,
rise
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the rise
a rise
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of
Change preposition
in
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sugar
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 is witnessed in
age
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the age
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 group of
30to45 year old
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30to45-year-old
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 adults worldwide in a report prepared by WHO. These
people
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 have reported fatigue,
tiredness
Correct word choice
and tiredness
show examples
 as common symptoms in their daily routines. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 sugary
products
Use synonyms
 have universal demand across the globe, we should
also
Linking Words
 take care of
health
Use synonyms
 problem and
threat
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the threat
show examples
 it causes in mankind.
Submitted by yash334 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay flows logically from one point to the next; a lack of clear progression makes the argument less convincing.
coherence cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion are present, refine them to more sharply preview and summarize the main points and reinforce your stance.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points by using more precise and varied supporting details; your essay requires specific examples and evidence for each argument made.
task achievement
Your response addresses the topic, but expanding on the implications and including contrasting viewpoints could strengthen the essay.
task achievement
Present your ideas more clearly and comprehensively by ensuring that each paragraph has a single, unambiguous focus.
task achievement
Include relevant specific examples to substantiate your points; the use of generic instances reduces the persuasive power of your arguments.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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