IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #parents #children #part #group #activities #time
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Some people argue juveniles should be able to keep themselves busy because
this
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 situation promotes their cognitive development. Meanwhile, the rest believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should have more group interactions in their leisure
time
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 because it improves their ability to socialize.
This
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 essay agrees with the later statement. On the one hand, letting the
children
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 have some
time
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 alone with their selves enables them to enhance their imagination.
This
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 is because, when they are alone, they will get bored easily and start to explore or find something to play with from their surroundings. During
this
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time
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, the right side of the brain will be more active and imagine random things as cars or something else.
This
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 activity will promote the development of creativity which contributes to their cognitive ability.
For example
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, research has shown that
children
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 who spend more
time
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 playing alone have higher creativity levels
such
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 as creating fiction stories when they are older compared to others.
However
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,
kids
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 should have more social
time
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 with their peers to accelerate their social capability.
On the other hand
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, it is believed that
kids
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 should spend
time
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 with their peers through group
activities
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.
This
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 is because when
children
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 interact with others, they can develop their social skills
such
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 as communication. Doing these
activities
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 force its members to start a conversation with each other to achieve their goal.
For instance
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, many organizations offer collaborative
activities
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 for
kids
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. These events are designed to allow the participants to actively talk and build a relationship with others through some games. Reports have shown that
children
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 who have joined these collaborative experiences show faster speech development compared to those who do not participate in these kinds of
activities
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.
This
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 essay agrees with
this
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 practice because
kids
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 will make massive progress in their social skills through these events. In conclusion,
although
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 letting juveniles play with themselves is
also
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 improving their imaginative skills, joining social interactions serves greater benefit in accelerating their social abilities.
Submitted by intanannisa.ia on

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structure
Ensure there is a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should clearly state the topic and your position. The body should contain well-developed paragraphs, each concentrating on a single idea with relevant supporting details. The conclusion should summarize the points discussed and reiterate your stance. Your essay lacks a robust introduction and conclusion, making your overall position a bit unclear.
cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices effectively to manage the progression of your essay. This includes linking words, synonyms, and pronouns to ensure coherence within and between sentences and paragraphs. While your essay uses basic linking words, there is room for more sophisticated cohesion.
task response
Ensure the essay fully responds to the task, addressing all parts of the prompt thoroughly. Develop clear, relevant main ideas for each point of view discussed and support them with specific examples or evidence. Your essay somewhat touches on the reasons for both perspectives but could benefit from more detailed explanations and examples to strengthen the arguments.
language
Consider rephrasing sentences that are awkwardly constructed to improve readability and clarity. Aim for a natural flow of ideas with sentence structures that convey your points effectively and sound natural in English.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • occupied
  • organized
  • group activities
  • benefits
  • social
  • teamwork skills
  • interpersonal skills
  • friendship
  • discipline
  • time management
  • interests
  • hobbies
  • independent play
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • self-reliance
  • explore
  • discover
What to do next:
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