IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

#people #children #world #work #schools #teenagers #time #subjects
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There are some arguments
in
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apply
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contrary
about
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to
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 the perception of young people about the world of
business
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. I personally believe that if there
is
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are
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 some regulations from
schools
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 to spend a short time working
in addition
Linking Words
 to
academically
Change the word
academic
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study
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,
students
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 will be able to balance both academic and
business
Use synonyms
skills
Use synonyms
 equally.
Firstly
Linking Words
, from my perspective, everyone
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study
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studies
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 to ensure that they have an occupation in the foreseeable future and rely on an income, so it is vitally important to learn
the
Correct article usage
apply
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business
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skills
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. In my opinion, when people are in their young ages, they are more capable of
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
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 and
bring
Correct your spelling
being
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 up.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
students
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study
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 various
subjects
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school,
for
Linking Words
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
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 arts
such
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 as music and core
subjects
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 like math and biology, there is no subject in order to improve their work
skills
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.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, as I said,
subjects
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school play an essential
rule
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role
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to
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in
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 the brain of
students
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 and make them
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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into these
skills
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 for their adulthood
either
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apply
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.
On the other hand
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, Since children spend over than 8 hours of their day in school in which they
study
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, communicate and learn life
skills
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 with their classmates,
schools
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 are in charge of a pivotal rule which is upbringing
children
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of children
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.
Linking Words
Consequently
Add a comma
Consequently,
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schools
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 must hold some projects for working
subjects
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 just like
another ones
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another one
other ones
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which
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in which
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students
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 have to attempt to reach a good score.
For instance
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,
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
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 some
business
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 opportunities
which
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in which
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 scores
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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instead
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 of income could be
effective
Add an article
an effective
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 measure in
favor
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favour
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 of
motive
Replace the word
motivating
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students
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 by
encourage
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encouraging
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 their sense of competition, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them do that subject eagerly. In conclusion, I want to reaffirm my position that I firmly agree with
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
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 idea
which
Correct word choice
that
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schools
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 should make
students
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to
Change the verb form
apply
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work in order to connect them with the modern work world.
Submitted by amirrezadelghandi3 on

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task achievement
While the essay offers an opinion and attempts to address the task, the response is at times unclear or incomplete. Clearer introductory and conclusive statements would make the position and arguments more explicit. Ensure the task is fully understood and addressed. It's important to express clear and well-supported ideas. When presenting an argument or perspective, cohesion is key. Ideas should be logically ordered, with each paragraph building upon the previous one. Transitions between points should be smooth and signposted with appropriate conjunctions or discourse markers. There is some attempt at this in the essay; however, it requires more consistency and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates some organization of ideas and use of cohesion devices, but the overall structure needs to be clearer to guide the reader effectively through the argument. Introduction and conclusion could be more developed to frame the essay's points more strongly. Ensure that each paragraph has a central idea and that supporting points are directly relevant to it. Cohesive devices can help link sentences and paragraphs. Overuse can, however, disrupt the flow, so use these devices judiciously. Try to avoid vague referencing and aim to be more explicit in linking back to the main points throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay makes some reference to examples but these are not developed fully or are insufficient to back up the claims made. When providing examples, make sure they are specific, relevant, and illustrate the point clearly. Do not rely on the reader to make connections or assumptions based on broad statements. Use examples to explicitly show how they support your argument. For a higher band score, develop the examples further and ensure they directly relate to the essay question and your main arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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