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Band 4.5

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

#people #children #world #work #schools #teenagers #time #subjects
There are some arguments
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
contrary
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the perception of young people about the world of
business
. I personally believe that if there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 some regulations from
schools
 to spend a short time working
in addition
 to
academically
Change the word
academic
show examples
study
,
students
 will be able to balance both academic and
business
skills
 equally.
Firstly
, from my perspective, everyone
study
Change the verb form
studies
show examples
 to ensure that they have an occupation in the foreseeable future and rely on an income, so it is vitally important to learn
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
business
skills
. In my opinion, when people are in their young ages, they are more capable of
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 and
bring
Correct your spelling
being
show examples
 up.
Secondly
,
although
students
study
 various
subjects
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 arts
such
 as music and core
subjects
 like math and biology, there is no subject in order to improve their work
skills
.
Subsequently
, as I said,
subjects
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school play an essential
rule
Correct your spelling
role
show examples
to
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in
show examples
 the brain of
students
 and make them
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
into these
skills
 for their adulthood
either
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
, Since children spend over than 8 hours of their day in school in which they
study
, communicate and learn life
skills
 with their classmates,
schools
 are in charge of a pivotal rule which is upbringing
children
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of children
show examples
.
Consequently
Add a comma
Consequently,
show examples
schools
 must hold some projects for working
subjects
 just like
another ones
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another one
other ones
show examples
which
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in which
show examples
students
 have to attempt to reach a good score.
For instance
,
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 some
business
 opportunities
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 scores
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
instead
 of income could be
effective
Add an article
an effective
show examples
 measure in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of
motive
Replace the word
motivating
show examples
students
 by
encourage
Change the form of the verb
encouraging
show examples
 their sense of competition, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them do that subject eagerly. In conclusion, I want to reaffirm my position that I firmly agree with
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 idea
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
schools
 should make
students
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
work in order to connect them with the modern work world.
Submitted by amirrezadelghandi3 on

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task achievement
While the essay offers an opinion and attempts to address the task, the response is at times unclear or incomplete. Clearer introductory and conclusive statements would make the position and arguments more explicit. Ensure the task is fully understood and addressed. It's important to express clear and well-supported ideas. When presenting an argument or perspective, cohesion is key. Ideas should be logically ordered, with each paragraph building upon the previous one. Transitions between points should be smooth and signposted with appropriate conjunctions or discourse markers. There is some attempt at this in the essay; however, it requires more consistency and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates some organization of ideas and use of cohesion devices, but the overall structure needs to be clearer to guide the reader effectively through the argument. Introduction and conclusion could be more developed to frame the essay's points more strongly. Ensure that each paragraph has a central idea and that supporting points are directly relevant to it. Cohesive devices can help link sentences and paragraphs. Overuse can, however, disrupt the flow, so use these devices judiciously. Try to avoid vague referencing and aim to be more explicit in linking back to the main points throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay makes some reference to examples but these are not developed fully or are insufficient to back up the claims made. When providing examples, make sure they are specific, relevant, and illustrate the point clearly. Do not rely on the reader to make connections or assumptions based on broad statements. Use examples to explicitly show how they support your argument. For a higher band score, develop the examples further and ensure they directly relate to the essay question and your main arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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