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Band 5

Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to change our character traits. To what extent do you agree?

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It is believed that our character traits have been decided since before we were born
as a result
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 of the
genes
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 and as human beings, we can do nothing about it.
However
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, I strongly disagree with
this
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 statement because I am sure that society’s personality is reluctant to the situation and every individual can change. First of all, I believe that society’s behaviour is the result of their interaction with their environment and how they were taught in the first place. The fact that not all parents from good and well-behaved families have good kids shows that not all
genes
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 are inherited by their children. folk who are born from rich families should have gotten more access to good educations and
that is
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 why they should be well-mannered.
Moreover
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, they have been trained since young.
On the other hand
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, some underprivileged folks who come from poor family sometimes would be seen as ignorant and rude because they are never told how to handle the situation in a good manner by their family.
However
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, the reality is much more complex than that.
For example
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,
if
Correct word choice
apply
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before going to school parents from poor families teach their kids to have more empathy and learn how to behave, it will always engrain in his/her minds.
Therefore
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,
this
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 kid will help the other without any complaints at all.
Therefore
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, personality
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 be determined
from
Change preposition
by
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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genes
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.
Secondly
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, there is a saying that people always change
time
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 by
time
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. There is no guarantee that good people will stay good until the end of their lives. A villain could be a hero and vice-versa.
For instance
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, Umar bin Khattab was
Correct article usage
a Muslim’s
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Muslim’s
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Muslim
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 enemy in Prophet Muhammad's story but
then
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 he realized that he did wrong until
finally
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 he changed his heart and began to love Islam and became a legend in Islam’s history. In conclusion, I never believe that traits have been decided since before human beings were born
as a result
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 of
genes
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 and we can not do anything about it. It always depends on the situation and people always change
time
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 by
time
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Some points seem repetitive or poorly connected.
coherence cohesion
Include an introductory paragraph that clearly states your thesis and a conclusion that summarizes and reaffirms your argument.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with clear explanations and relevant examples to ensure that each main point is abundantly supported.
task achievement
Provide a more direct response to the prompt by exploring both sides of the argument in a balanced manner before stating your own position.
task achievement
Focus on presenting clear and comprehensive ideas that directly align with the essay topic and provide more depth in analysis.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples that directly support your viewpoint to enhance the effectiveness of your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • predetermined
  • character traits
  • genetic influence
  • environmental factors
  • personality development
  • upbringing
  • foundation
  • evolution of traits
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