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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant Percentage of Australian men and women doing regular physical activity: 2010

#summarise #information #features #comparisons #percentage #australian #men #women #activity
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of each gender of Australian
people
 who did sports regularly at different ages in 2010.
Overall
, at 25
years
 old and older, men were more likely to do exercises regularly than women.
However
, younger women between 15 to 24
years
 old did more regular physical activities than men in
this
 age group. For the male group,
people
 at 45 to 54
years
 old account for the highest percentage ( at 53.3%) of playing sports regularly. Of those over 65
years
 old, they did less physical activities than other age groups. There was a slight increase from 47.7% to 53.3%
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 15
years
 old to 54
years
 old,
then
 with a decrease to 47.1
at
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
 more than 55
years
 old. In comparison, the ratio of female
people
 who play sports regularly in Australia dipped to the bottom at 39.5% in the age group of 35 to 44. Those in 15 to 24
years
 old had the largest proportion at 52.8%.
Submitted by zhangshen9968 on

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Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure that all key features of the given data are adequately summarized. The essay does include a summary of the physical activity trends among different age groups; however, it could benefit from clearer and more comprehensive explanations of these trends. Be careful with the plural use of 'sports' and 'activities' in this context. The verb 'did' could be replaced with 'engaged in' for variation and precision.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, it would be advantageous to use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively to structure the response clearly. Transition words and phrases to show contrast, comparison, and addition will enhance the logical flow of information. Furthermore, an introduction should clearly paraphrase the question and a conclusion could tie the summary together. The essay could be improved with a conclusion summarizing the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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