IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern life , it's a big
controversary
Correct your spelling
controversy
 that young people
facing
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 some pressure to succeed academically .
while
 some people believe that if they remove
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
 from the school syllabus ,students may concentrate on their major
subjects
 .I, totally agree with
this
 statement and explore some views in below . first of all , there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a wide range of reasons why people believe that
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
such
 as physical education and cookery should be removed from the education syllabus . I believe that the main reason is ,
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
 consumes the
students
Change noun form
student's
students'
show examples
 valuable time
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 they can concentrate
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their major
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
like Math, English , physics ,chemistry and so on
.
Correct your spelling
For
for example
 ,one of my
cousin
Fix the agreement mistake
cousins
show examples
,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is studying in class 9 and here she has
also
 these
subjects
 with practical as she have to cook by herself for the teachers which will be included in her marks. for that reason ,she could not give her full of
concentration
Replace the word
concentrate
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 her physics
subjects
 and she
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
got low grades in her
exam
Fix the agreement mistake
exams
show examples
.
secondly
 , I believe it in our country there
has
Verb problem
are
show examples
 a lot of who
belonged
Wrong verb form
belong
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
, for
this
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subject
 parents become more
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
 because they have to pay
also
 more money for
this
subject
 which is valueless .
For instance
, in Malaysia , they don't have any extra
subjects
 except
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
major
Correct article usage
a major
show examples
 so the parents
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
never think of the cost of their children's education . To conclude ,
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
 should be banned from every school as soon as possible .if the government take any steps , the future of our children will be
Change preposition
on
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 path for their life .
Submitted by jannatlabonno61 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical structure, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow your argument. Make sure to organize your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and its development.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but they are not clearly stated. Aim to have a distinct introduction that paraphrases the question and sets the tone for your essay, and a conclusion that summarizes your main points without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are somewhat supported, but the development of these points is not sufficiently detailed. Aim to elaborate on your reasons with more detailed explanations and stronger, more varied examples.
task achievement
Your essay's task response is marginally addressed. You have provided an opinion and some reasons, but you need to fully develop the arguments with a balanced discussion if required, and a clearer conclusion reflecting on the essay's content.
task achievement
While your ideas are relevant, they are not always expressed clearly and comprehensively. This can be improved by planning your response before writing and ensuring that each paragraph conveys a single clear idea that is well-explained.
task achievement
The examples you have provided are somewhat relevant, but they could be more specific and directly linked to the essay question. Aim to include examples that are clearly relevant and illustrate your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: