IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In recent years, many governments have brought in laws to ban smoking in public places, such as bars, restaurents and offices. To what extent do you agree or disagree with banning smoking in public places?

#years #governments #laws #ban #places #bars #restaurents #offices
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These days, smoking is extremely popular but it is harmful to human
health
.
As a result
 of
this
, many laws have been
brought
Verb problem
passed
show examples
 to ban smoking in public
places
. Personally, I strongly agree with the view that smoking is prohibited in public
places
. In the first place, smoking should be forbidden, as smoking not only leads to
health
 problems for the smoker
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 for
people
 close by.
This
 can be explained by the fact that public
places
 are
places
 that serve the needs
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 many
people
.
Therefore
, the more
people
smoke
, the more
people
 around them become passive smokers. It is a fact that passive smoking has a great impact on
health
.
For instance
,
people
 who inhale cigarette
smoke
 will easily go down with
health
 problems
such
 as
:
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
, lung cancer, infertility,
incurable
Correct word choice
and incurable
show examples
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
,… Another reason why I agree with preventing smoking in public
places
 is that smoking not only affects
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
 but
also
 pollutes the environment.
That is
 because to make cigarettes, billions of trees are cut down; the soil and water are contaminated with toxic chemicals,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 air becomes polluted. And after use, they become waste, polluting the natural environment.
On the other hand
, there is an argument that smoking is not against the law, so individuals should have the freedom to
smoke
 where they want. They believe that a ban on smoking in public
places
 or
places
 like bars and pubs will bankrupt them because smokers would not go there anymore. In conclusion, It is advisable that smoking is banned in public areas. The government needs to strictly punish
people
 who
smoke
 in the wrong place.
Submitted by nguyenvukhanhlinh74 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your score in coherence and cohesion, building a clearer and more logical progression of ideas would be beneficial. Consider using more cohesive devices to link your ideas and paragraphs seamlessly.
task achievement
Regarding task achievement, it would be advantageous to expand on your points with more detailed and relevant examples. This offers more depth to your argument and demonstrates a better understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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