IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is believed that the
traditions
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 of their society should be followed by young
people
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.
While
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,
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apply
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 many
people
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 think that it is free for teenagers to make their own choice as individuals. In my point of view, both are reasonable
in particular
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 cases. Young
people
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 should follow
traditions
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 because it can bring many advantages for them.
First,
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it’s clear that tradition helps maintain the characteristics of society. As you know,
traditions
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 begin from their ancestors who conclude many social principles when behaving, customs and even costumes.
Therefore
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,
traditions
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 can reflect the features and values of society.
Moreover
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, because tradition is the conclusion about
life
Correct article usage
the life
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 experiences of their ancestors, young
people
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 can learn a lot of useful knowledge which will be very useful in the future. If young
people
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 are too immersed in their individuality, they will make many unnecessary mistakes and have to suffer from the consequences of these useless decisions. Becoming more individual
also
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 brings many advantages. Because some
traditions
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 from the past are too conservative or not suitable for recently.
In particular
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, in the past VietNam had a very bad tradition of gender imbalance.
However
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, now, it is removed because of the woman’s growing awareness and demands for individual freedom and respect.
Furthermore
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,today, youngsters tend to be individuals.
Besides
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 their
traditions
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, youngsters are finding some cultures of other countries which are more modern and progressive than their countries. It will help their life be easier and more interesting. In conclusion, young
people
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 should follow
traditions
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 to learn many life experiences from their ancestors to not make mistakes.
Besides
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, some
traditions
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 are too conservative which youngsters should ignore and be more individual.

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coherence cohesion
To improve your score in Coherence and Cohesion, you need to focus on creating a more logical structure to your essay. Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next with clear use of linking words and topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
While there is an introduction and conclusion present, they are somewhat brief and lack a strong, definitive stance. Aim to provide a more robust introductory paragraph that clearly outlines your perspective and a conclusion that effectively summarizes your discussion points with your own viewpoint reiterated.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are somewhat supported, but the depth and development of these points can be enhanced. Aim to provide more detailed explanations and more varied sentence structures to advance your argument and engage the reader further.
task achievement
To improve in Task Achievement, make sure that you're responding to all parts of the task. It seems like the response is complete, but it lacks depth in addressing the prompt fully. Elaborate on your points with a more thorough analysis to fully satisfy the requirements of the prompt.
task achievement
Your ideas are fairly clear and comprehensive, but try to develop them further with greater detail and clearer argumentation. This will help to present stronger and more persuasive ideas to the reader.
task achievement
In terms of providing relevant and specific examples, your essay needs to incorporate these more effectively. Examples help to illustrate your points and make your arguments more convincing, so include more concrete and detailed instances where your arguments can be substantiated.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural heritage
  • Sense of identity
  • Cultural background
  • Community unity
  • Formative years
  • Significant meanings
  • Passed down
  • Creativity and innovation
  • New ideas and perspectives
  • Societal progress
  • Personal growth
  • Self-discovery
  • Outdated or irrelevant
  • Adhering to traditions
  • Meaningful and relevant
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