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Band 4

In spite of many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace.

#spite #advances #women #education #employment #promotion #equality #opportunity #men #workplace
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 many benefits
effort
Fix the agreement mistake
efforts
show examples
women
 have performed in their education and
work
, they are still detrimental in terms of income and
job
 promotion.
This
 Is because
people
 have different outlooks
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 roles in their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 especially in the
work
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
place
. The first primary reason is
people
 still argue that
women
 are still the assistance of
men
 in doing something.
This
 will put every
women
Change to a singular noun
woman
show examples
 in
second
Correct article usage
a second
show examples
 position in terms of handling or performing some
job
 and responsibility given as well.
for example
, taking a
women
Fix the agreement mistake
woman
show examples
 who
work
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
show examples
 in
bank
Add an article
a bank
the bank
show examples
. Even
she
Correct word choice
if she
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
capability
Add an article
the capability
show examples
 and
broaden
Replace the word
broad
show examples
 insight about managing the bank
may
Verb problem
apply
show examples
be she will be second
place
 to be promoted as a
manager
 if compared with
men
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have the same quality. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
terms of paid
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example,
Add an article
the manager
a manager
show examples
manager
Fix the agreement mistake
managers
show examples
 will hire higher
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 to
men
due to
 misleading perceptions. The second main reason is some
people
 still
concerning
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 about
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 role in their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 as
a housewives
Correct the article-noun agreement
a housewife
housewives
show examples
.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 those still have
point
Correct article usage
the point
show examples
 of view that
women
just
Rephrase
apply
show examples
can
accomplish
Rephrase
only accomplish
show examples
 household activities. When it comes to the condition that
women
 should
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in
work
place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
, the
manager
 will put
women
 in the area that needs
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 physical energy than areas of
job
Correct article usage
the job
show examples
 which is using smart critical thinking.
For example
,
women
 may be allocated to the daily workforce in the cigarette company to
role
Correct your spelling
roll
show examples
 the cigarette rather than put them as a leader. Keeping equality of
opportunity
 for
men
 and
women
 in the workplace is of paramount importance.
Many
Correct quantifier usage
Much
show examples
 effort can be
done
Verb problem
made
show examples
 by making some
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
with
put
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the criteria that every
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 can achieve
Add an article
a standard
the standard
show examples
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 of the company to be a
manager
 or
another positions
Replace the adjective
another position
other positions
show examples
 in
work
place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
such
 as discipline, hard
work
 and prestige. So
women
 and
women
 will have the same occasional
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
job
 promotion.
In addition
, education and campaign about gender separation in the
work
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
place
 should be performed in order to ameliorate equality of
job
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
. In conclusion, the different
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 about
Change noun form
women's
show examples
women
 responsibility in
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 and household promote an imbalance in
work
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
. To make
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
show examples
on
Change preposition
between
show examples
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 in the
work
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
place
with
Change preposition
between
show examples
women
 and
men
 the company should make
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
regulation and to
in ternal
Correct your spelling
internal
show examples
stakeholder
Fix the agreement mistake
stakeholders
show examples
 about the essential of equality in salary and promotion.
Submitted by musa.nuwa on

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For coherence and cohesion, organize your essay with clear logical progression. Use paragraphs effectively, each with a central idea. Link your ideas with appropriate connectives. Ensure you have a coherent introduction and conclusion.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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