IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some parents believe that their children should do educational activities during their free time. Others say that in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some parents think that their adolescents and teenagers should engage in additional academic activities during their free
time
Use synonyms
. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and consider that the kids would be under too much pressure.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, in
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both sides of the issue. There are 2 main ideas behind
this
Linking Words
 opinion. With the extra
time
Use synonyms
 spent studying, the likelihood of the child obtaining good grades at a particular school
disciplne
Correct your spelling
discipline
 is higher.
For instance
Linking Words
, a math teacher may ask their students to complete
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exercise 2A as their homework, expecting an improvement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
students'
Correct your spelling
student's
show examples
 abilities.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the child may be taught that sacrificing some of their resources is the necessary thing to become successful.
For example
Linking Words
, people who
work
Use synonyms
 on
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Wall Street tend to
work
Use synonyms
 for 90 hours in order to earn more income, than the rest 99% of the US population.
However
Linking Words
, there are some significant drawbacks to
this
Linking Words
 practice. First of all, the children would undergo
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more
work
Use synonyms
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 they can endure.
For example
Linking Words
, if an adolescent comes
from
Rephrase
home from
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school at 4 o'clock and their parents force them to do more math
work
Use synonyms
 until 9 o'clock, the child will probably end up burnt out and depressed,
thus
Linking Words
, starting to gradually lose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic
perfomance
Correct your spelling
performance
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, there will be no difference between the
time
Use synonyms
 spent at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school and at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
home on one's psyche.
For instance
Linking Words
, the teenager will not consider their home as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 place to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rest and their workplace as the location to
work
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 may lead to
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inneficient
Correct your spelling
inefficient
work
Use synonyms
 and leisure, resulting in more
time
Use synonyms
 being spent to complete a particular task and, simultaneously, burning out. In conclusion, children should not put more effort
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 education during their leisure.
Instead
Linking Words
, kids should spend their
time
Use synonyms
 on
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, hobbies and other things that help them recharge their brain,
thus
Linking Words
, becoming ready for the next day.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure and transitions between ideas are not smooth. Sentences within paragraphs are disjointed, not leading to a coherent line of argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but do not effectively set up the topic and recount the main points, respectively. They should serve to frame the issue more clearly.
coherence cohesion
While main points are supported to some extent, arguments could be developed further with more focused examples and explanations.
task achievement
The response to the task is incomplete, the essay does not fully address the question, and seems biased towards one point of view without sufficiently discussing the other.
task achievement
Ideas need to be clearer and more comprehensive to meet the criteria of an acceptable response to the task.
task achievement
Relevant examples are given but should be integrated more smoothly into the argument to effectively support the main points.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: