IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that parent should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own discuss both opinions and give your opinion ?

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Whether little ones should
be
Verb problem
have
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 full freedom to spend their time free time as per their wish is a topic of debate
among
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in
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 our society and some people believe that
parents
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 should be responsible for planning their
activities
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 among their peers.
This
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 essay discusses both these viewpoints and in the end I will present perspective. There
many
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are many
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 benefits if
children
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 are encouraged to spend their pastime as they like. What
i
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I
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 mean is that it helps them to become more independent and
also
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 teaches accountability for their actions.
This
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 has many benefits.
First,
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it fosters independence which is necessary to make informed decisions as adults when they have
noone
Correct your spelling
no one
 to guide them.
Secondly
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,
this
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 will
also
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 empower them in learning
Correct article usage
the casue-effect
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casue-effect
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cause-effect
 relationship of adopting good
as well as
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 bad habits.
For example
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, a student can learn important life
lesson
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lessons
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 after gaining awareness of how spending prolonged time on video gaming could
leads
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lead
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 to poor academic performance.
This
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 in turn could discourage them
to develop
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from developing
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 a deleterious daily routine, enhancing their future outlook
as a result
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.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 are required to arrange various team
activities
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 for their all-round development. To elaborate, there is a general consensus among people that
children
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doesn't
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don't
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 exhibit advanced awareness as adults in it comes to understanding what is
the
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apply
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best for their
overall
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 growth.
Therefore
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, the limited life experience of
children
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 makes the onus fall on
parents
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'
shoulder
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shoulders
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 to choose group
activities
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,
such
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 as a music class, a swimming course and so on; which in turn facilitate
children
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 fostering a sense of
camaderie
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camaraderie
while
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also
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assist
Wrong verb form
assisting
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 them
understanding
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in understanding
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 the importance teamwork and collaboration. In conclusion, there are clear merits and demerits of
parents
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 managing their
children
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's social
activities
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 with friends. On balance,
however
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, I feel that adults should continue to supervise the group-based leisure endeavours of their little ones because they are the ones who know what is best for nurturing better habits and skills in them. I recommend that
parents
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 should
also
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 stay vigilant about the social circle of their
children
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 in order to avert any potential threat of developing unfavourable and counterproductive behavioural tendencies.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and connect it logically to the thesis of the essay. Precise topic sentences would help in this regard.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more concise and directly address the prompt. Aim to clearly state the essay question and your opinion in both sections.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to consistently develop your main points with specific and relevant examples. Each paragraph should clearly follow from the points you've made, reinforcing your argument.
task achievement
Expand and support your ideas more fully. The response does address the question, but it lacks depth. More detailed explanations and a variety of examples would improve the completeness of the response.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas by expanding them and providing more comprehensive analysis. This will also enhance the clearness of your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific and detailed examples to back up your points. Real-world examples or hypothetical situations would make your essay more persuasive and fulfilling the tasks more effectively.
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